Competitive Hand Shaker Donald Trump Accidentally Shakes Own Hand, Hasn’t Let Go Since Last Tuesday

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump has fueled much controversy since taking office, but on no subject has his personality perplexed people more than his psychologically confusing handshaking.

Trump is prone to shaking hands of other world leaders with a vigor that could qualify as physical assault, and the leaders of Japan, Canada, and France have all seen their handshakes with the president go viral online on account of Trump’s arguably inappropriate manhandling.

However, the latest victim of a Trump handshake is, ironically, President Trump himself, who accidentally grabbed his own hand last Tuesday and hasn’t let go since. Almost a full week has passed, and Mr. Trump, for lack of a better phrase, has his hands tied up.

While President Trump has yet to release a statement on the incident, citing executive privilege, administration officials have offered statements anonymously in order to speak with candor.

“I know we say this a lot about this unpredictable president, but this truly is something the White House staff could not have anticipated happening,” said one aide to the president. “And as usual, only the president knows what kind of strategy he is pursuing here.”

Other White House staffers have expressed frustration that the president’s latest focus has distracted him from the ambitious agenda the Republican Party is pursuing in Congress, as well as national security concerns.

“To be frank, we’ve had enough trouble with the president’s attention span lately,” said another White House staffer. “We’ve been having to edit all his national security reports down to one page and see to it that each paragraph includes his name somewhere so that he actually reads the damn things, but this is just getting ridiculous. Now he won’t read any reports at all, and just sits there squeezing his own hand until he passes out from exhaustion.”

None of the White House staffers interviewed had confidence that the incident had any end in sight.

“I mean, he’s been going for six days straight now,” said the first aide. “The weekend trip to Camp David was an effort to keep this handshake debacle out of the news, but it’s been going on so long now that I feel like leaking this to the press is the only way to get him to let go.”

According to the White House sources, even the president’s daughter, Ivanka Trump, has been unable to convince him to let go.

She had not responded to interview requests by the time of publishing, and this story is still developing.

*UPDATE, 6:11 pm*

Ivanka Trump issued the following statement to The Halfway Post:

“My father is, and always has been, a fighter. This is just one of many examples of the president proving to the American people with actions rather than words that he will never give up fighting for them.”

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