Milo Yiannopoulos Suffers Meltdown, Is Fired From Subway Part-Time Position


Miami, FL—

Infamous Internet troll Milo Yiannopoulos has reportedly been fired from his latest job as sandwich-maker at a local Subway in Miami amid allegations of suffering a total meltdown.

This is the latest in a string of career setbacks for Yiannopoulos, who was not long ago fired from Breitbart News, banned from Twitter, and lost a high profile book publishing deal on account of controversies ranging from harassing and threatening black actresses on social media to appearing to speak approvingly of pedophilia.

His Subway termination letter, which has been leaked to the press by his fellow Subway employees—who all hate him—cites an astonishing altercation, which has since gone viral on social media.

The Halfway Post went a step further, though, and reached out to the Miami Subway franchise’s staff, all of whom were eager to talk on the record trashing their former colleague.

“It was the greatest thing ever,” said Dan Wilkerson, assistant manager at the South Miami location. “A customer came in, I think she was like thirteen years old and she was wearing a hijab, and all of a sudden Milo just starts screaming at her about how this girl is probably a feminist and doesn’t deserve a sandwich, and how the girl should be making him a sandwich, and then he said a bunch of random, hateful things about how social justice warriors are ruining the world and enabling terrorists or some weird shit, and the girl just stands there watching him silently, like unblinking, and then out of nowhere she just yells ‘Make my sandwich bitch!’”

From there things got even weirder.

“So then Milo loses it and starts taking out the foot-long pieces of bread and slapping himself in the face with them while tears start streaming down his face,” said Emily Hart, a part-time employee who also hates Yiannopoulos. “And then he just starts screaming the weirdest stuff about how Donald Trump is not fulfilling his promises, and how America is not great again yet because there are black stormtroopers in Star Wars, and women Ghostbusters, and because Wonder Woman has been a successful movie, and because there’s more diversity in television, and because he heard some Mexican illegal immigrant girl was voted prom queen in some random high school somewhere. I would have felt sad for him, but Milo is literally the most awful person I have ever met.”

But that wasn’t the worst for Yiannopoulos.

“So the girl is just watching him with a totally blank face as Milo’s existential crisis or whatever seizes his entire body and he just starts swinging his arms and legs everywhere like a six-year-old having a tantrum or something,” said Matt “Skip” Hollander, another part-time employee who wasn’t working at the time but happened to be eating an employee-discounted sandwich when the incident occurred. “And the girl yells at him ‘Hey, stop being a baby and make me my goddamn teriyaki chicken sandwich!’ and Milo’s entire face turns bright red and he gets in the girl’s face and accuses her of supporting Leslie Jones and getting him kicked off Twitter, and all of a sudden the little girl pulls out mace and sprays him right in the eyes for like six seconds straight.”

“It was literally the greatest thing I have ever seen and will ever see for the rest of my life,” said Wilkerson. “That guy is such a dick.”

“I have literally never witnessed anything more satisfying than Milo being maced in the face by a little Muslim girl,” said Hart. “And Milo was always talking shit about Muslims saying they aren’t doing enough to stand up to terrorists. Well, Milo, meet a Muslim girl willing to mace a right-wing Twitter terrorist in the face!”

“But that wasn’t even the best part!” interjected Hollander. “While Milo was on the ground trying to rub the mace out of his eyes the girl leans over the cashier counter and starts screaming awesome things like ‘You’re British you stupid idiot, YOU get out of MY country! Wonder Woman kicks ass! Leslie Jones is funny! Black stormtroopers are cool!”

“This has been the funniest call I’ve ever gotten,” said Deputy James Masterson, the police officer who arrived on scene and filled out the report of the incident. “I was joking that I ought to write that little Muslim girl a ticket for being such a badass. I think everyone can agree that America had a good day today.”

Mr. Yiannopoulos spent a day in jail for the altercation, and now is in need of a new job after promptly being fired.

(Photo courtesy of Thomas Fedra.)

10 thoughts

  1. That is the best news I’ve heard in a long time and proves what everyone has known all along. That guy hates himself and when you hate yourself that much you hate the world and everything in it. Unfortunately that just about sums up the right wing movement right now. That’s why they’re so worried about what people have. They are the definition of haters. You are a hater if you are a millionaire and you want your taxes cut because it’s quote “unfair” that you should have to pay for poor people’s healthcare. Or you don’t think you should have to pay taxes for poor kids to go to public school who can’t afford to go to private schools like your privileged spoiled kids. My mom always told me not to worry about what others have or don’t have. You’re supposed to worry about yourself and how you can contribute to society. And if you have to pay a few more percentage points in taxes to fund a child’s education and that means you can’t afford to buy your third mansion in Miami or a vacation home in the Hamton’ s well don’t worry because Trump and the republicans put a stop to subsidized healthcare and soon you can hoard all the money you want, even if it means poor people including children, only end up going to the emergency room for care because they can’t afford preventive care. There’s a special place in hell for anybody who wakes up in the morning and says to themselves, “Boy those millionaires and billionaires have it so bad that we need to focus all of our attention to get them some tax relief!” Who cares about blacks being shot by the police, who cares about the massive income gap and the erosion of the middle class. We’ll just give the ultra wealthy a tax decrease and everything will workout.
    I can’t believe my fellow Americans. I am embarrassed for my country for the first time.


  2. The story smells too much like an urban legend but it made for an entertaining read. But seriously, we are living in a time where very bad behavior has become the norm. Drump has emboldened these scumbags to slither out of the woodwork and spew their mindless hate and bigotry that is the hallmark of the religious right. Buckle up. It will get worse.


  3. Please don’t stoop to his (or Trump’s) level of hate and name-calling. Mr. Yiannopoulos appears to be mentally ill and is obviously suffering. I’m sure none of you would want to trade places with him. He needs medical attention.


  4. Anyone reading this is a hateful bigot wanna be dictator dumbass. You just want to hate the other side so bad you will “entertain” yourselves with lies about them that confirm your confirmation bias. IE they are EVIL OMG OMG. Progressivism is a religion and a muderous one. Classical Liberalism is the only way for a democracy. End Identity politics. And just because some idiots like those above (Milo is a brit who loves black dick btw) can’t tell real from fake doesn’t matter, most can. Likewise Wikileaks is real and any other “disinformation” from Russia is no worse than this and all the other people in the world who know english and spread their opinions.


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