Infamous Internet troll Milo Yiannopoulos has reportedly been fired from his latest job as sandwich-maker at a local Subway in Miami amid allegations of suffering a total meltdown.
This is the latest in a string of career setbacks for Yiannopoulos, who was not long ago fired from Breitbart News, banned from Twitter, and lost a high profile book publishing deal on account of controversies ranging from harassing and threatening black actresses on social media to appearing to speak approvingly of pedophilia.
His Subway termination letter, which has been leaked to the press by his fellow Subway employees—who all hate him—cites an astonishing altercation, which has since gone viral on social media.
The Halfway Post went a step further, though, and reached out to the Miami Subway franchise’s staff, all of whom were eager to talk on the record trashing their former colleague.
“It was the greatest thing ever,” said Dan Wilkerson, assistant manager at the South Miami location. “A customer came in, I think she was like thirteen years old and she was wearing a hijab, and all of a sudden Milo just starts screaming at her about how this girl is probably a feminist and doesn’t deserve a sandwich, and how the girl should be making him a sandwich, and then he said a bunch of random, hateful things about how social justice warriors are ruining the world and enabling terrorists or some weird shit, and the girl just stands there watching him silently, like unblinking, and then out of nowhere she just yells ‘Make my sandwich bitch!’”
From there things got even weirder.
“So then Milo loses it and starts taking out the foot-long pieces of bread and slapping himself in the face with them while tears start streaming down his face,” said Emily Hart, a part-time employee who also hates Yiannopoulos. “And then he just starts screaming the weirdest stuff about how Donald Trump is not fulfilling his promises, and how America is not great again yet because there are black stormtroopers in Star Wars, and women Ghostbusters, and because Wonder Woman has been a successful movie, and because there’s more diversity in television, and because he heard some Mexican illegal immigrant girl was voted prom queen in some random high school somewhere. I would have felt sad for him, but Milo is literally the most awful person I have ever met.”
But that wasn’t the worst for Yiannopoulos.
“So the girl is just watching him with a totally blank face as Milo’s existential crisis or whatever seizes his entire body and he just starts swinging his arms and legs everywhere like a six-year-old having a tantrum or something,” said Matt “Skip” Hollander, another part-time employee who wasn’t working at the time but happened to be eating an employee-discounted sandwich when the incident occurred. “And the girl yells at him ‘Hey, stop being a baby and make me my goddamn teriyaki chicken sandwich!’ and Milo’s entire face turns bright red and he gets in the girl’s face and accuses her of supporting Leslie Jones and getting him kicked off Twitter, and all of a sudden the little girl pulls out mace and sprays him right in the eyes for like six seconds straight.”
“It was literally the greatest thing I have ever seen and will ever see for the rest of my life,” said Wilkerson. “That guy is such a dick.”
“I have literally never witnessed anything more satisfying than Milo being maced in the face by a little Muslim girl,” said Hart. “And Milo was always talking shit about Muslims saying they aren’t doing enough to stand up to terrorists. Well, Milo, meet a Muslim girl willing to mace a right-wing Twitter terrorist in the face!”
“But that wasn’t even the best part!” interjected Hollander. “While Milo was on the ground trying to rub the mace out of his eyes the girl leans over the cashier counter and starts screaming awesome things like ‘You’re British you stupid idiot, YOU get out of MY country! Wonder Woman kicks ass! Leslie Jones is funny! Black stormtroopers are cool!”
“This has been the funniest call I’ve ever gotten,” said Deputy James Masterson, the police officer who arrived on scene and filled out the report of the incident. “I was joking that I ought to write that little Muslim girl a ticket for being such a badass. I think everyone can agree that America had a good day today.”
Mr. Yiannopoulos spent a day in jail for the altercation, and now is in need of a new job after promptly being fired.
(Photo courtesy of Thomas Fedra.)