Local Atlanta man Al Portman just turned 50 today and has decided he is now old enough to stop being a compassionate liberal, and start being more angry at minorities, feminists, Muslims, Millennials, the volume of his neighbors’ music, diner waitresses, craft beer, and new technology.
“They always say that people start off as bleeding heart liberals and then become heartless conservatives as they age, and, now that I’m 50, I suppose it’s my turn to keep up the tradition,” said Portman. “It’s gonna be a change to get used to, I’m sure, but I’m just doing my part to preserve this timeless cultural ritual of the American elderly.”
To enact his lifestyle change, Portman plans to change his voting party affiliation and scrub his Facebook page of various posts he has published in recent years supporting issues such as universal healthcare, $15 minimum wages increases, climate change action, Palestinian statehood, and gay marriage rights.
“It’s going to be a big change for my family,” Portman said, “And my kids don’t support it, but I’m sure they’ll understand when they’re older.”
Portman recently bought a rocking chair for his porch so he can sit out and yell at children to get off his lawn, turned his television to Fox News and threw away the remote control so it can’t be changed to a different channel, and threw away the family’s holiday decorations so he can sit quietly in darkness on Halloween and Christmas without trick-or-treaters or carolers bothering him.
“It’s just practical,” he explained. “I used to care about giving back to society, but now that I’m 50 I really think I should start showing more maturity. So every night for the last week I’ve been practicing talking points about how taxes are too high, how we should go back to the gold standard, how this country started going downhill when women were given the right to vote, how Millennials are lazy and ruining the economy, and how we shouldn’t reform police departments until black-on-black criminals reform themselves.”
Asked two days later in a followup interview how the political ideology transformation was going, Portman explained to The Halfway Post that it was going great.
“I’m an absolute dick now, I love it!” he said. “A month ago I would have totally hated the person I am becoming, but the old me was a total libtard. All my political ideas now are just so realistic, and the absence of critical thought and emotional consideration has really streamlined my decision-making process. Hell, I’m gonna vote Donald Trump in 2020 even if the guy is in prison for the Russian collusion stuff.”
Portman then cracked open a Coors Lite and turned on his yard sprinkler system to spray a neighbor whose dog was sniffing around his mailbox.
(Photo courtesy of Gideon Burton.)