White House Promises Trump and Putin Didn’t Get Past 2nd Base During Meeting


Washington D.C.—

Though the news of President Donald Trump’s G20 meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin going over its half-hour scheduled length garnered much controversy, White House officials are adamant that the two officials didn’t go “all the way.”

At the last moment Trump requested that only two officials from each country be in attendance alongside translators, a decision which has attracted much speculation about what transpired during the meeting.

Particularly because a “bromance” of sorts had developed between the two leaders over the last couple years, with Mr. Putin publicly commenting that Mr. Trump was a strong, smart leader, and Mr. Trump repaying the compliments with assertions that Mr. Putin was a talented leader as well.

Though the political romance has simmered from across separate sides of the Atlantic Ocean, a White House aide who requested anonymity to discuss such personal matters explained that an undeniable attraction was sparked when Mr. Trump traveled to Moscow several years ago for the Russian-sponsored Miss Universe pageant.

“Trump and Putin hit it off like long-lost best friends,” said the aide who was also present in Trump’s Russian entourage. “There was a sparkle in each other’s eyes that I had never seen from Trump, and the Russian officials remarked that they were surprised what a positive mood Putin was in throughout the entire Moscow trip.”

When President Trump requested that the attendance of the G20 meeting be more intimate, some officials wondered if he was trying to take his relationship with Putin to the next level. However, a White House national security official has promised The Halfway Post that Trump and Putin did not get past second base.

“However, there was a lot of second base, if you catch my drift,” said the aide, who talked to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson after the meeting. “It was reported that Rex Tillerson was angry after the meeting, but wouldn’t tell anyone why, but I can confirm that Rex was angry that two hours of his time were wasted while Trump and Putin made out and felt each other up over the shirt and beneath the shirt. It couldn’t have been pretty. I mean both these guys are above 60 years old.”

Rex Tillerson, through the White House aide, did confirm that the two didn’t get to third base.

“I think Trump didn’t want to give away too much at the beginning,” said the aide. “If he gave it all up too soon, Putin would lose his interest, you know? I think Trump wanted Putin to respect him. Rex told me that Putin attempted several times to get to third base, but Trump kept moving his hand back up to his manboobs out of modesty.”

It’s unknown when the next Trump-Putin meeting will be held, but both leaders are probably looking forward to it.

(Photo courtesy of Taylor Herring.)

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