Donald Jr. Actually Excited For Prison, Happy To Leave The Nest And Become A Man

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

New York, NY—

The recent Russiagate controversy over Donald Trump Jr.’s self-released emails that apparently prove he tried to collude with Russian government agents in order to procure anti-Hillary Clinton intel have surprisingly not worried Donald Jr.

“I’m excited for this new chapter of my life,” Don Jr. said referring to speculation that his illegal collusion efforts could land him in prison. “I actually told my dad that I didn’t want him to pardon me, because, after so many years in the family business here in Trump Tower, I think I’m ready for something new. Something different.”

It remains to be seen if federal prosecutors will actually pursue criminal charges against Don Jr., but the President’s son is adamant that he’s up for the challenge of incarceration.

“My entire life has been remarkably easy, even painfully easy. I’m third-generation rich, after all. And my whole life I’ve been living under the shadow of my father because his ego condition convinced him to name me after himself, and so I’ve been thinking that maybe a prison sentence is actually just what I need to shake things up in my life. In prison I can be my own man, and be better able to chart my own destiny all by myself for a change.”

Some political pundits have speculated that Donald Jr.’s soft, coddled lifestyle will not be conducive to him thriving in a prison environment, but Don Jr. disagrees.

“I’m not going to go to prison without a strategy,” he said. “I’ve been studying up on jailhouse sociology, and I think I’ve settled on a plan. I’m going to survey the inmate population and pick the strongest, biggest, baddest looking dude there, and then I’m going to use my trademark Trump deal-making skills to make him an offer he can’t refuse. I’ll tell him I’ll do anything he wants—anything—as long as he protects me from everyone else. In some ways it’s not too unlike my business relationship with my dad.”

At least you have a plan, Don Jr.

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