Mike Pence Stones His Chief-Of-Staff To Death For Working On A Sunday


Washington D.C.—

Vice President Mike Pence shocked the political world this afternoon by stoning his now former chief-of-staff Richard Walker to death after catching him last Sunday working on the Sabbath.

Mr. Walker was drafting a speech the Vice President is scheduled to deliver next Thursday to a D.C. optimist club, and Mr. Pence walked in to Walker’s office after, allegedly, seeing a vision from the Virgin Mary that he should look inside.

Carly Ebert, an aide who was walking with Mr. Pence at the time, told The Halfway Post that Mr. Walker stood up abruptly, yelled “It’s not what it looks like,” and then broke down into sobs.

The rest of Mr. Pence’s staff tried to convince the Vice President out of his decision to administer the Biblical punishment, But Mr. Pence reportedly said “Rules are rules” and asserted that he had no choice.

During the stoning, Pence vigorously encouraged the other staff members to join in throwing rocks, but everyone else refused. According to one witness, Pence repeatedly told everyone that enforcing the Lord’s will brought him no joy, but while throwing rocks he sure looked like a kid playing a carnival game.

Shortly after, a post on D.C.’s Craigslist “government” page was found calling for chief-of-staff applicants.

*This story is developing.*

(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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