Donald Trump has made many enemies over his long career of lying compulsively and screwing over everyone who has ever done business with him, but perhaps his most venomous enemies are the ex-wives he has scorned.
In exclusive interviews with The Halfway Post, Trump’s first two wives, Ivana Trump and Marla Maples—in chronological order—have expressed joy and glee watching Donald Trump’s infantile presidency go down in flames amidst allegations of treason, Russian collusion, and general corruption.
“My ritual every night is to get home and take a long bubble bath while watching a TV I installed in my bathroom,” said Ivana Trump. “I rotate between CNN and MSNBC and sip cabernet sauvignon. Lately, the scandals have gotten so good that I turn the lights off and light candles. Watching my pig ex-husband be humiliated day in and day out has been wonderful. It’s borderline sexually stimulating.”
Ms. Maples explained that she has taken up a new hobby of editing President Trump’s Wikipedia page, adding little embarrassing anecdotes and insults.
“I make myself giggle too much,” said Ms. Maples before listing some of her highlights. “I routinely change the sections about his personal wealth, bankruptcies, and religion because he so often lies publicly about those subjects. I used to add little notes in various places about his small hands and small manhood—if you catch my drift—but I feel like Trump’s personality makes that so obvious that I haven’t really been doing that in a while. I have a paragraph I wrote about his fake hair that I’ll copy and paste into the Wikipedia code, and it usually takes about a half hour before the Wikipedia staff notices and removes it, but I can tell the staff thinks its funny because sometimes it will remain on the page for a whole day at a time. I flirt with the Wikipedia administrators so they don’t ban me as a volunteer editor, and, to be fair, I am more knowledgeable about Donald than any of the other editors.”
When asked if they would be happy to see Mr. Trump go to prison, both offered ecstatic “yes’s.”
“It’s pretty obvious that Donald is not the right person for the job of president,” said Ms. Maples.
“I’m a regular anonymous source for the New York Times’ coverage of Donald’s scandals,” said Ivana Trump.
(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)