St. Louis, MO—
Though the nation is conspicuously hurting because of Donald Trump’s incompetent and corrupt administration, future Presidents of the United States are reportedly relieved that Mr. Trump is setting the bar so low for them.
“In a way, President Trump is the best thing to ever happen to me,” said Democrat Jason Kander of Missouri, who will be elected president in 2032. “President Obama has set the bar pretty high in terms of intelligence, idealism, and presidential temperament, but, thankfully, Trump came along and was the complete opposite in every way. Now the mere act of not having a Russian kompromat pee tape will make me look amazing by comparison.”
Other future presidents expressed amusement that Trump has gone so long without achieving any major legislative accomplishments.
“The first 100 days are always a big benchmark for presidential success,” said Democrat Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts, who will be elected in a Democratic landslide in 2020. “Fortunately—for the good of the country—even though Republicans control the entire government, they have been entirely impotent in passing any of their toxic dream laws. My Democratic Congressional majorities and I, in contrast, have big things planned.”
The only Republican who will be elected in the near-future, Utah’s Evan McMullin (2028), explained that he was looking forward to correct the Republican Party’s obvious issues with hyper-partisanship and irrational identity-politics.
“The moral decay of the Republican Party is very obvious in the Age of Trump,” McMullin said. “My presidency will be a successful effort to drag back the GOP toward the center-right, and unify the party while extracting the more radical fringe movements on the far-right. I’m going to look very good in historians’ eyes by being a Republican who hasn’t dedicated his presidency to offending every demographic in the country beyond white males.”
Future president Bernie Sanders, who will be elected in another Democratic landslide in 2040 at the astonishing age of 99, expressed gratitude that President Trump’s faux-nationalistic populism has introduced a more socialistic form of patriotism to many Americans.
“President Trump lied about every campaign promise he ever made, obviously,” said Sanders, “But, on the bright side, several of his promises actually sounded quite a bit like my platform. He promised that his healthcare plan would be cheaper for everyone and cover everybody, and that sounds quite a bit like universal coverage and single-payer, doesn’t it? He promised that he was going to pass $1 trillion in infrastructure spending, and that’s a promise I’ve made that I’m going to keep. So in a way, thank you Donald! Thanks for making democratic socialism seem like not such a bad idea in the minds of the Republicans who elected you.”
Thanks for your comments, future presidents!