Rio de Janeiro, Brazil—
A new species of howler monkey has been discovered in the Amazon river basin, and has been named after President Donald Trump.
The new species, Alouatta donaldea trumpis, is a blonde-haired monkey that spends most of its time in the Amazon canopy foraging for leaves, flowers, fruits, and nuts. The monkey has a complex social structure, with trumpis monkeys living in groups of six to fifteen.
The most startling similarity to President Trump, however, is the trumpis monkey’s reproductive behavior.
When it comes time to mate, the female trumpis monkeys will pee on themselves so that the scent attracts a male, and following copulation the male trumpis monkey will pee on its female mate.
Biologists are unsure of the evolutionary reason for this post-coital behavior, but a couple theories have been offered.
One theory suggests that it helps bond the mother and father in case of pregnancy, because the trumpis monkeys are not at all monogamous. It suggests that the father trumpis monkey may be more willing to raise the babies if he is more confident that the babies are his.
Another theory suggests that the male trumpis monkey’s act of marking the female gives the female a time-out of sorts to rest after copulation.
Because the new species has only been studied for a week, more time is needed to understand the novel sexual behavior.
The trumpis monkeys have also been observed casting out older female monkeys, effectively exiling them from the group, in order to make room for younger females. In order to continue looking youthful, the older male trumpis monkeys in each group have been seen mixing leaves and twigs with the fur on top of their heads in order to hide thinning hairlines.
President Trump’s office was asked for a comment, and a spokeswoman for Mr. Trump said that the President had never peed on a monkey, and that any Russian tapes alleging such behavior are fake news. We here at The Halfway Post believe that the White House communications department misunderstood our comment request.
(Photo courtesy of Greg Goebel.)