Rio de Janeiro, Brazil—
A new species of howler monkey just discovered deep in the Amazon river basin has been named after President Donald Trump.
The monkey, scientifically named Alouatta donaldea trumpis, is blonde-haired and spends most of its time in the Amazon canopy foraging for flowers, fruits, and nuts. The monkey has a complex social structure, with trumpis monkeys living in groups of six to fifteen.
The most startling similarity to President Trump, however, is the trumpis monkey’s reproductive behavior. Following copulation the female trumpis monkey will pee on its male mate.
Biologists are unsure of the evolutionary reason for this post-coital behavior, but a few theories have been proposed. One theory suggests the female trumpis monkey’s urine marks her mate and keeps competitor females away. Another theory suggests that the female trumpis monkey’s urine expels pheromones that make the male sleepy after copulation, allowing the female a time-out of sorts to rest before being bothered again.
Another unusual, Trump-like behavior is that Trumpis males spend much of their free time when not foraging for food grooming their daughters, but don’t seem very interested in paying the same attention to their sons, who are forced out of the community when they reach reproductive age and are capable of competing with their dads for sexual mates.
Age in general seems to play an important role in the dynamic trumpis monkeys’ social relationships. Trumpis males have been observed casting out older females, effectively exiling them from their social groups in order to preserve resources for younger females. Older male trumpis monkeys, meanwhile, have been observed mixing leaves and twigs with the hair on top of their heads to hide thinning patches and preserve youthful appearances.
The White House was asked for a comment on the eponymous taxon, and a spokeswoman said that the President had never peed on a monkey, and that any Russian tapes allegedly revealing such behavior are both fake and classified. We here at The Halfway Post believe that the White House communications department misunderstood our comment request.
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