Mitch McConnell Desperately Offers Rand Paul Sexual Favors For Paul’s Obamacare Repeal Vote

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Washington D.C.—

Amid the Republican Party’s troubles passing an Obamacare repeal bill through the Senate, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is reportedly getting desperate to bribe Republican senators to vote for the GOP’s signature campaign promise of the last four election cycles.

McConnell had previously offered holdout Republican senators billions of dollars worth in opioid crisis management money for their states, but McConnell still could not secure enough votes to get to 50 in order to allow Vice President Mike Pence a tie-breaking vote.

McConnell’s latest strategy has been to flip his fellow Kentucky senator, Rand Paul, from a nay to a yea by offering undisclosed sexual favors.

A Senate aide to Mr. Paul told The Halfway Post under condition of anonymity that Mr. McConnell looked at Mr. Paul in a committee meeting and said, “I’m not going to nut around, I will do anything for your vote… anything.”

The aide explained that Mr. Paul refused to give an answer right away, but asked for a day to jerk the idea around in his head and pray about the offer.

Majority Leader McConnell has often been described as a brilliant and machiavellian Senate tactician in getting unpopular bills passed into law, and has earned the respect of his Senate Republican underlings for doing whatever it takes to achieve legislative victories.

However, it remains to be seen if McConnell can finish the deal, or whether Mr. Paul will come to the table and finally give his ramrod support to the Obamacare repeal. Paul may just blow off the opportunity and continue to blue ball McConnell.

(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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