Senator Lindsey Graham Reaches New, Slightly Higher Level of Dissatisfaction with Donald Trump

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Washington D.C.—

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) revealed today that the recent chaos roiling the Trump administration has raised his level of dissatisfaction to new heights.

In a hastily-called press conference held on the steps of the Capitol, Graham announced, “Today, in light of the revelation that the President helped dictate the intentionally misleading explanation of his son Donald Trump Jr.’s meeting with Russian agents offering damaging information about Hillary Clinton, I am officially declaring a Level Four state of unhappiness.”

In reply to a question by CNN’s Jim Acosta, Graham explained that he and fellow Senate colleague John McCain had developed a sophisticated system to characterize their levels of disapproval with Republican policies. Originally comprised of three levels of dissatisfaction, the actions of the Trump White House have necessitated the addition of an additional level to better gauge their moods.

“Level One,” explained Mr. Graham, “Is being ‘Concerned.’ There have been many times during last year’s presidential campaign that Senator McCain and I were very concerned.” He then cited the president’s vulgar boast about sexually assaulting women as particularly concerning.

“Level Two consists of being ‘Troubled.’ It should surprise no one who has followed my career as a former prosecutor that I was extremely troubled by the firing of James Comey, who is as fine a public servant as I’ve seen in Washington.

“The next increment, Level Three, manifests itself in being ‘Bothered.’ Boy howdy, I was bothered, and then some, with the revelation of the meeting between Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort, and Donald Trump Jr with suspected Soviet spies. Yes sir, that was very bothersome indeed, and I don’t mind saying so publicly.”

“But today’s news has raised my dissatisfaction level to the unprecedented Level Four: ‘Vexing.’ These recent developments have vexed the Dixie out of me, and if Mitch McConnell or President Trump object, I don’t give a South Carolingian swamp rat’s ass.”

When asked by CBS’s Major Garrett if his dissatisfaction would in any way affect the way he votes, Mr. Graham looked at him in puzzlement and replied, “Well, of course not. I’ll grandstand before the cameras as I usually do, and then return to the Senate chamber and cast my votes along the party line…. I’m not sure I understood the question.”

(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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