Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina revealed today that the recent scandals roiling the Trump administration has raised his level of dissatisfaction to new heights.
In a hastily-called press conference held on the steps of the Capitol, Graham announced, “Today, in light of the revelation that the President helped dictate the intentionally misleading explanation of his son Donald Trump Jr.’s meeting with Russian agents offering damaging information about Hillary Clinton, I am officially declaring a Level Four state of unhappiness.”
In reply to a question by a CNN reporter, Graham explained that he and fellow Senate colleague John McCain had developed a sophisticated system to characterize their levels of disapproval with Trump’s tweets and policies. Originally comprised of three levels of dissatisfaction, recent actions of the Trump White House have necessitated the addition of an additional level to more accurately gauge their moods.
“Level One,” explained Mr. Graham, “Is being ‘Concerned.’ There have been many times during last year’s presidential campaign that Senator McCain and I were very concerned, such as Trump admitting he regularly used his celebrity to sexually assault married women. Level Two consists of being ‘Troubled.’ It should surprise no one who has followed my career as a former prosecutor that I was extremely troubled by the firing of James Comey, who is as fine a public servant as I’ve seen in Washington. The next increment, Level Three, manifests itself in being ‘Bothered.’ Boy howdy, I was bothered and then some with the revelation of the meeting between Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort, and Donald Trump Jr. with suspected Soviet spies. Yes sir, that was very bothersome indeed, and I don’t mind saying so publicly. But today’s news of the President’s personal involvement has raised my dissatisfaction level to the unprecedented Level Four: ‘Vexing.’ These recent developments have vexed the Dixie out of me, and if Mitch McConnell or President Trump object to my harsh rhetoric, well I don’t give a South Carolinian swamp rat’s ass.”
When asked by a CBS reporter if his dissatisfaction would in any way affect the way he votes in the Senate, Mr. Graham looked at him in puzzlement and replied, “Well, of course not. I’ll grandstand before the cameras as I usually do, and then return to the Senate chamber and cast my votes along the party line… I’m not sure I understand the question.”
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(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)