New York, NY—
Fox News has had ANOTHER sexual harassment-related scandal, this time from host Eric Bolling, who allegedly sent dick pics to some of his female colleagues at the network.
Fox News is investigating these allegations internally, and Fox has gotten good at conducting these types of investigations in recent years. Fox recently spent millions of dollars in similar lawsuits against host Bill O’Reilly and even the late Bill Ayers, who was founder and CEO of Fox.
Such a string of sexual harassment cases is a sure indication that Fox News has a terribly sexist culture in desperate need of change, and is also a shitty place to work that forces women employees to see dick pics and get hit on by creepy old men.
To put an end to this behavior, Fox News has reportedly fired every male worker in the network, and, from now on, plans to be a network run entirely and exclusively by women.
“There’s no reforming these old, conservative men,” said new Fox News CEO Melissa York. “I used to get dick pics every single day from different people, and for too long ignored them as a side effect of working in such a ‘boys’ club’ kind of news network. Even the mail guys in the basement would send me unsolicited dick pics. I could not be happier with the decision to castrate every single testicle off of Fox News.”
Other new corporate hires expected Fox News to change ideologically because of the removal of alpha-male-wannabe egos.
“Let’s be honest for a moment,” said new Fox Vice-President Brooke Carter, “Fox will no longer advocate for warmongering, criticize women politicians for what they wear or what their voices sound like, smear Planned Parenthood staffers as abortion demons, call black people terrorists and thugs and other obviously racist dog whistle words, promote deporting parents of legal citizen children, call things like equal pay for women ‘bad for business’—I could go on and on. It’s not so much that Fox News is going to suddenly start being liberal, it’s just that Fox News is going to suddenly stop being ludicrous.”
Asked if the change in tone and perspective would alienate Fox News’ devoted audience base, York suggested Fox viewers would benefit from the changes.
“For 20 years this network has convinced old, Christian white people who live in safe suburban neighborhoods or rural areas that they should live in constant fear of ethnic minorities, Muslims, feminists, liberals, atheists, people who don’t start celebrating Christmas the day after Thanksgiving, store clerks who say ‘happy holidays,’ gay people getting married to their loved ones, transgender people who have literally being using public bathrooms for the entire existence of humanity, Christians who actually live the way Jesus said to live, college students who responsibly use condoms, etc. etc. The people who habitually leave Fox News on all day without ever changing the channel live in a constant state of rage at the world beyond their locked front doors, and are the people who, frankly, need this readjustment toward rational news the most.”
Though Fox News is expected to go through a ratings slump and loss in advertising revenue because of the dramatic changes and show lineup earthquake, Carter insists that Fox News will be netting much more money on account of firing all its male workers.
“Fox has a bigger amount of money set aside for sexual harassment litigation than the entire budgets of some small countries. Firing every male here will save us literally hundreds of millions of dollars every year.”