New York, NY—
In a wildly unpopular move, CNN is continuing to air voices on its programming who don’t even pretend to be objective or neutral in their daily perceptions of the US political arena.
Having fired pundit Jeffrey Lord for tweeting the stupid and ill-advised joke “Seig heil,” CNN was determined to find someone who sniffed President Donald Trump’s butt with equal or greater enthusiasm. The only person CNN executive producers found who could compare to Lord’s worthlessly ludicrous opinions in defense of the President was Trump’s son, Eric Trump.
Effective next week, Eric Trump will be a paid commentator on CNN programming, including a recurring panel spot on Anderson Cooper 360.
“CNN is really committed to trying to be neutral, and I don’t think we get enough credit,” says CNN producer Arnold Dwalkin. “Trump is objectively the worst president we’ve ever had, so it takes a real special person to be able to defend him. Talk about job security for Jeffrey—all he had to do was not make a Nazi reference, and I begged him to just edit out all Nazi tweets, but he blew it. So now, CNN is in a bind. Literally the only other people that I can think of who are as vacuously pro-Trump as Jeffrey Lord is are literally related to Trump by blood. Don Jr. is too busy running the family company, and Ivanka and Jared Kushner are nepotistically employed in the White House, so unfortunately CNN is left with the dumb one. I just pray to God every night that Eric doesn’t tweet out Nazi shit.”
Anderson Cooper reportedly demanded a $10 million salary raise when he heard that Eric Trump would be his new panel guest. He threatened to quit, but CNN gave in to his demand and crafted a new contract that specified that Mr. Cooper would never have to shake Eric’s hand or look him in the eyes.
Eric Trump is no stranger to cable news television, and has been invited onto Fox News programming several times to defend his father. He still makes most of America uncomfortable every time he talks, though.