Spokane, WA—
A local cult leader by the name of Ralph McKinny just started a new Netflix account, an action which has puzzled and troubled many members of his cult, The Cherished Doves.
McKinny has been infamous for promising that the world is imminently going to end, and the alleged date of the apocalypse is only two days away. In preparation, the congregants have all been donating their live savings into a church fund, to pool their monies for use in the afterlife.
“It’s really suspicious,” said cult follower Gus Walsh, who has been involved in the cult for six years now, and has watched The Cherished Doves grow from humble beginnings as just a small neighborhood church to a committedly suicidal cult numbering 175 members. “We have been planning this mass suicide for a solid year now, and it’s just weird that, so close to the end times, Ralph would start a new subscription service for his television consumption. Why bother setting up a monthly payment plan? The end is two days away. Shouldn’t he be closing all of his payment plans and membership accounts? He could have just done the free week trial. I mean—we are all about to kill ourselves, right?”
Other members were suspicious of his show choice.
“Ralph’s chosen television show was Friends,” explained fellow cult member Wanda Hewitt. “Why would he pick such a long show? There are ten seasons. And, even weirder, he started at episode one. Why would he not pick a random episode in the middle? Everyone knows that season six and seven were the best. So why episode one? Does he intend to watch all of Friends all the way through? He doesn’t have enough time to binge-watch it all before the end of the world. I’m going to need an explanation for all of this.”
The Halfway Post reached out to Mr. McKinny, but the leader of The Cherished Doves refused to comment. A spokesperson for the cult did eventually respond, saying that anybody trying to pry into how McKinny plans to use the collected church funds should “mind their own business.”
The Halfway Post editorial board would like to recommend that all Cherished Doves not go through with the suicide pact.
The Halfway Post 