Fox News Promises Every Male Worker A $10,000 Bonus If They Don’t Sexually Harass Tomi Lahren


New York, NY—

Because Fox News’s history of epic sexual harassment charges has cost the intentionally biased conservative news network tens of millions of dollars in settlement payments, Fox has promised a $10,000 bonus to every male employee who does not sexually harass Tomi Lahren in her first year as a paid contributor.

Previous lawsuits against Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes have dramatically changed the network’s stable of personalities, and Eric Bolling is the latest in a long line of old-white-male creeps.

Fox executives are so worried about Tomi Lahren getting hit on creepily that they are preemptively paying out the lawsuit charges they expect in $10,000 bonus increments to its male workers in an attempt to forestall any sexual harassment.

“Being intentionally and unashamedly conservative, Fox tends to attract very patriarchal guys,” said a Fox News producer who requested anonymity to discuss the inside situation at Fox. “You heard about the stuff that Ayers did, right? But now the culture of Fox is changing and that stuff just isn’t acceptable anymore. It’s kind of sad, actually, but that’s what you get for putting women in the board room. Suddenly you can’t intimidate your female underlings for sexual favors anymore.”

Another anonymity-requesting Fox producer admitted that the bonuses aren’t all Fox is doing to try and protect Tomi Lahren, and, of course, the Fox budget from probably inevitable sexual harassment charges.

“We try to limit Tomi’s presence around Fox producers, because they are the biggest risk factors,” said a staffer on Lahren’s show. “These bigwigs think their business success should correlate with sexual success, and they become massive perverts. So when Tomi isn’t actually on air, we try to hide her in various creative ways so that male staffers can’t tell where she is at any given moment. If they can’t find her, they can’t sexually harass her, right? When she needs to go to the bathroom we give her an Obama mask to wear with an over-sized parka rain coat, and it scares every Fox staffer away. The lengths we go are necessary because our male producers just can’t help themselves but commit harassment when they see attractive women. It’s sad, but it’s true. So when Tomi has to leave the studio to go anywhere else, we disguise her. It’s kind of like a burka in some ways, but men employed at Fox are just incapable of subjectifying women. Fox News is the news network engineered for ultra-sexists in America—naturally we’re going to attract some of the worst of them to work for us. At the end of the day, these elaborate Tomi disguise efforts and the big bonuses are still cheaper than having to settle yet another sexual harassment suit.”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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