The US is bracing for its second epic hurricane natural disaster in a week as Hurricane Irma barrels toward Florida, and God is piiiiissed.
The Halfway Post caught up with God, and discussed the recent weather phenomena to which He, in His infinite wisdom, has seen fit to subject the South East United States.
“How many once-in-500-year-hurricanes do you assholes need to be hit with in one month for you to take a fucking hint? STOP fucking ruining my beautiful planet. You know how many species your carbon dioxide free-for-all has made go extinct? Oh, I’m sorry! I thought I was God. But I must have been wrong. Apparently you human shits are God, and it’s YOUR decision which of my Creations get to live and die.”
Asked for clarification if the hurricanes were in fact intended to punish humans for our pollution crimes, God doubled down.
“Earth is a beautiful planet, and you’re ruining it. I intended for Earth to be green and blue. But you’ve cut down practically three-fourths of the trees. The oceans are supposed to be bountiful, but you’ve over-fished like 80% of the sea life, and there’s so much trash that you all have literally created continents of plastic. You know, if I had intended for there to be giant islands in the middle of the oceans, I would have put them there—I am God after all. The Great Barrier Reef is almost all dead. The best reef I Created in all the galaxy, and you royally fucked it up. And don’t even get me started on the acidification of the planet’s seawater. You know, I put stinging, deadly jellyfish in the oceans just to screw with you all a little bit, keep you from getting too comfortable in the oceans, but thanks to you dumbfucks the oceans have become so acidic that jellyfish are quickly becoming the only creatures that can live in them. Joke’s on you—you all have really ruined the oceans for yourselves.”
God was selective with his blame for the environmental problems humans are facing.
You better not blame Me, you little punks. I gave you Al Gore. Your idiotic invention of the Electoral College was not made in My image. And for real… Donald Trump? What the fuck? Conservatives are straight up ruining everything for everyone. I hope conservatives are thankful for the unfettered free market when cockroaches supplant you human shitholes as the dominant land species. Actually, fuck it, from now on, every conservative who continues to deny climate change even after the Harvey-Irma combo is gonna have cute mixed-baby grandkids. Haha that will show them, won’t it? Isn’t it funny how climate change denial and racism tend to go hand-in-hand? Conservatives suck. And for real, start cleaning up your mess. Or I’ll make cockroaches four feet tall, and give them razor sharp claws and teeth accompanied by an unquenchable thirst for human blood. They can force you off the continents that I WANTED you to live on, and you fucks can go live on your trash islands in the middle of the ocean. Better learn to like eating plastic. Ha! Think of it like karma for all the sea animals with stomachs filled with plastic you’ve killed.”
God took a sip of his Starbucks pumpkin spice latte.
“Honestly, I just can’t with you humans anymore. I just cant.”
Thanks for another colorful interview, God.