Jared Kushner: “I Really Thought I’d Have Figured Out The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict By Now”

Washington D.C.—

Senior adviser to the President Jared Kushner has had a rough few weeks, as his political and personal lives have become inundated with scandals and failures.

He is dogged always by the Mueller investigation, and recent allegations of unsavory bank loans pursued while working as a governmental agent have put him in even greater legal peril.

However, he says his greatest disappointment comes from his inability to figure out the great Palestinian-Israeli debate.

The Halfway Post conducted a brief phone interview with Mr. Kushner, and the following is a transcript.

THP: Are Palestinian-Israeli relations improving since the President’s decision to adopt Jerusalem as the location of the US embassy?

JK: Oh, God no, they’ve gotten steadily worse. It’s a nightmare. Everyone from the Netanyahu Administration told us doing that would basically clinch peace once and for all, and, to be honest, we never even asked anyone from the Palestinian Authority what they thought. Kind of a big, unforced error in hindsight. And, to be transparently honest, I’m all out of ideas.

THP: Are there certain efforts you have made that you don’t feel are getting adequate attention in the public and in the media? Are there any accomplishments you would like more people to know about?

JK: Well…one thing—no, um, actually no. I have committed a grave error in the example of the Greek character Icarus. I bit off way more than I could chew, and I realize now it required a healthy dose of hubris to think that I would be able to personally engineer the solutions to so many problems. For real, I thought this White House stuff would be easy, but I didn’t realize how much, like, person-to-person communication and cooperation is required. I thought there’d be this giant team or something waiting for me to delegate tasks to, but the President hasn’t exactly filled out the bureaucracy, you know? I’m a big picture idea kind of guy, and I am metaphorically drowning in responsibilities of little details. It’s not even fun. It’s even worse because I have only myself to blame for putting on airs and attempting with Ivanka to idolize ourselves as a kind of second Camelot in the model of the Kennedys. I thought that we could embody youth, power, and suave, and be remembered by history, but it’s kind of embarrassing that we proved so immediately weak and corrupt because we’ve lost all of our friends constructing a presidency that is wildly offensive to everyone’s morals and ideals. I have come to terms with the notion that I am just another fool in the long line of humanity’s fools who have fallen short of their dreams with false hopes that the ends of a business-rich democracy would justify the means of empty bravado, illicit connections, impeachable risks, and gut decisions.

THP: That is a very remarkable statement.

JK: Yeah. I smoked a J in the bathroom earlier while I played my playstation portable. I take really long bathroom breaks here cause every day is so depressing. It’s like living in an angry, fiery hell. Come on, even I can see that this ship is sinking. I’m just sneaking in as many highs as I can before I get arrested. They don’t call me the “Kushman” for nothing!” And for real, I’m not looking forward to prison. That’s gonna suck. But at least Daddy and me will bond over it.

Thanks for the interview, Mr. Kushner.

 

(Picture courtesy of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.)