New York, NY—
Facebook’s CEO Mark Zuckerberg has come under fire this week for Facebook’s unfolding data scandal involving the Trump and Brexit-backed data-mining company Cambridge Analytica, but Myspace has promised not to be overshadowed by its competitors.
“We are trying to stay relevant,” explained Myspace CEO Tom Trimmer, “And if Facebook is giving away all of their consumers’ personal data, I won’t let Myspace fall behind. Unfortunately, the majority of our data comes from preteens who largely abandoned our website back in 2007, and only used it to showcase their favorite emo-genre boy bands, but that’s still valuable right? We are prepared to offer steep discounts to any analytical companies looking for our treasure trove of data. No price is too low! We just want some of this suspicious and possibly illicit political campaign money before new laws get written stopping it.”
It remains to be seen how Trimmer’s decision will affect Myspace’s business, but Myspace has steadily been losing market share in the online social network industry for over a decade now.
“You know, I was a little worried at first because of the privacy implications,” explained ex-Myspace user Antonio Ramirez, who left the platform in 2006. “But then I realized it’s probably not a big deal if Myspace tells some analytical company that I was really into My Chemical Romance 12 years ago.”
[This story is developing.]