Trump’s Lawyer Michael Cohen Is Actually Homeless, Lost All His Money Paying Off Dozens Of Porn Stars

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Washington D.C.—

This morning The Halfway Post received an exclusive bombshell allegation from several White House staffers who requested anonymity in order to candidly leak sensitive financial details about President Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen.

“It’s insane, Cohen is homeless and living out of his car,” explained the aide. “The guy has spent literally every last dollar to his name paying off porn stars over the last three years of Donald Trump’s political career. His only source of bathing now takes place in the lobby bathroom of Trump Tower. Trump doesn’t even have the decency to give his destitute but still faithful personal lawyer an apartment in the building he owns. And it’s not even like the building is full, given that becoming President has been truly a dreadful economic decision for Trump’s family businesses thanks to his wild unpopularity. But Cohen, for some reason, is still mindlessly obedient in protecting Trump’s public relations. He’s been searching the nation for victims of Trump’s unsavory sex life, and has been paying them into silence with his own money… which Trump drags his feet in paying back. And let’s be real: the President is a sex scandal machine. Michael Cohen has privately told several of us staffers that the act of covering up Trump’s salacious behavior is akin to the carnival game Whack-a-Mole. Not only has Cohen taken out a mortgage to pay his house in order to pay off Stormy Daniels, he has sold his extensive guitar collection, pawned his family heirlooms and jewelry, taken a second mortgage out on his house, and lost his family’s home, all to try to keep quiet any and all porn stars Trump has wronged.”

Another staffer felt that Cohen had done enough for the President, and that he should quit before Trump’s legal troubles cost him even more money or more of his dignity.

“I mean, the guy’s living out of his car for Christ’s sake,” reasoned the second staffer. “In fact, I don’t know why any lawyers are sticking around Trump. There must be some mighty fine money involved because basically everyone in the country at this point can see that Trump is conspicuously and blatantly guilty of all the Russian-collusion allegations he has denied all along. Trump is just a ceaseless liar, and a wholly unpredictable ignoramus who is impossible to legally advise. I want to give a shoutout to these lawyers’ hearts for not suffering endless cardiac arrest. I would if I had a job half as awful as being Donald Trump’s lawyer. The guy existentially hates being told to listen to sensible legal advice, and goes out of his way to do the exact opposite of everything his lawyers recommend so that he can prove that he’s the boss, or something. Trump will no doubt intrigue psychologists for decades to come. It’s like he’s mentally a five-year-old child. No self control. If Donald Trump somehow turns out not to be the most corrupt president in US history (which he undoubtedly will), it’s obvious he is the dumbest. No contest there.”

As of time of publishing, Mr. Cohen had not responded to The Halfway Post’s questions regarding his involvement in Trump’s legal battles, though, to be fair, his office mailing address has been changed from his previous office to the words “the parking lot.”

(Photo courtesy of IowaPolitics.com.)

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