Jared Kushner, Who Is Now Ripped And Has Two Neck Tattoos, Swears He’s Not Worried About Going To Prison

33666938102_5487b0a5a4_z.jpg

Washington D.C.—

Senior adviser to the President and Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner unveiled a new personal style this afternoon, unveiling a toned body and a sans-shirt vest outfit, under which tattooed angel wings spread across his back and down his arms with a photorealistic image of his wife Ivanka smoking a cigarette in between his shoulder blades.

Political commentators wasted no time taking to Twitter and speculating over whether these fashion choices were inspired by the impending threat of jail-time, courtesy of Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian collusion.

“I can’t believe Jared would do that! And why the tattoo of Ivanka on his back? Where he’s going he’s going to really wish he could cover that seductive image on his back…if you catch my drift.” tweeted @LolCatz4Evah12.

“I guess it will be hard for Jared to revolutionize government, create peace in the Middle East, solve the opioid crisis, patch things up with Mexico, sign deals with China, solve our veterans affairs issues, and reform the criminal justice system while he’s in prison #Icarus” tweeted @TedCruzIsTheZodiacKillerrr.

Jared Kushner’s press secretary, however, insists that the abrupt life decisions have nothing to do with any kind of criminality.

“Jared Kushner is entirely innocent of all allegations of collusion and treason,” explained Kushner’s chief spokesman. “His conspicuous silence and avoidance of the public spotlight since it was announced that Michael Flynn has been cooperating with the FBI and Mueller’s investigation have nothing to do with any sort of self-consciousness or feeling of guilt about illicit and/or treasonous activities with Flynn, I can assure you. He told me earlier. And my client Jared Kushner never lies, he promises. He’s only packed on ten pounds of muscle over the last several months because he’s trying to set a good example for kids to fight our obesity epidemic, er—yeah, he wants to carry Michelle Obama’ torch and inspire children to be active. Yep. He is totally not worried about going to jail and he totally did not attempt to set up backchannels with Russia during the presidential transition, and he may have been present in that infamous Trump Tower meeting with Russian operatives, but he promises he was listening to headphones the whole time. He didn’t hear any words, except for a few seconds where he took out one earbud and heard a few sentences the Russian lawyer lady was saying and they sounded like gibberish to him, so he put back in his earbud and continued rocking out to Bob Marley’s ‘No Woman No Cry,’ his favorite song. He got the lyrics to it tattooed on his rib cage on the right side.”

(Picture courtesy of The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.)

Leave a Reply