New York City, NY—
Political entertainment jockey Sean Hannity vowed on his radio program today that President Donald Trump was innocent of all wrong-doing in the ongoing Russian collusion investigation, and that he was so sure Mr. Trump had done nothing illegal that he would “absolutely get a pin-up style tattoo of Hillary Clinton” if Trump was ever indicted, impeached, or arrested.
“I’ll totally do it,” explained Hannity after the pledge. “The Mueller Investigation is a total witch hunt. And Michael Cohen is totally not involved in anyway. Michael Cohen—I mean, I’ve never met him. The fake news says that I got real estate advice from him, but that’s totally false. Does Michael Cohen even exist? I maybe talked to him like one time. But I’ve never, like, put my hand on his head and rustled his hair, like, in an affectionate—not gay or anything, not anything like that—but kind of like a brotherly hair rustling, you know? Like, we never were at a barbecue together where we were like the last ones to leave, and even the owner of the house was asleep inside, and we just stayed outside talking and laughing—and, wow, so much laughing. Like, we just got each other, you know? Like, in ways even my wife sometimes doesn’t get me. And we drank like a whole 18-pack together, and, you know, one thing led to another, and…Yeah, like, I barely know Michael Cohen. I maybe gave him, like—one time—all the pennies in my pocket as a joke or something like that for a little bit of legal advice here, and maybe like a fiver for helping facilitate some urban housing deals there, but, uh—everything legal though! 100% legal. I swear. I’m innocent, Trump is innocent, Michael Cohen is innocent, we’re all innocent. And, if I’m wrong, I will totally get a colored tattoo of Hillary Clinton’s face on a pin-up style body. Fishnets, heels, epic cleavage—you name it. That’s how serious we are that we are all innocent and definitely did not collude. Not even close. But where should I put this Hillary tattoo? That’s the fun part because, if you donate $1 million or more to the Trump-Hannity-Cohen “Hey, We’re F***ed, We Really Need Money To Stall This Out As Long As Possible Defense Fund, you get one entry into our contest to decide where this Hillary tattoo will go on my body! So donate now, cause we are really circling the drain here, my friends, and running out of time. And you want cheaper taxes right? Well, you gotta help us pay our lawyers. But we’re totally innocent, I swear! Hannity out!”