Evangelicals Preparing Excuses For Trump In Case Elliot Broidy’s Playmate-Pregnancy-Abortion Scandal Was Actually His

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St. Louis, MO—

Local Evangelicals are preparing themselves in the event that former RNC official Elliot Broidy’s sex scandal with Playboy Playmate Shera Bechard, in which he resigned from the RNC and promised to pay her $1.6 million in nondisclosure agreement hush money, was really just a scheme to provide cover for President Donald Trump, who very well might be the actual impregnator of Ms. Bechard.

Writer Paul Campos of New York Magazine has speculated previously that the details of Broidy’s NDA agreement don’t add up and sound a lot like Trump’s previous NDAs with other sex industry workers, and he has just published another piece describing the peculiar fact that Elliot Broidy has stopped paying Ms. Bechard and missed the deadline for one of his payment installments. This has freaked out Evangelical supporters of Trump, who would loathe acknowledging they’ve been supporting an amoral freak.

“This one is going to be really hard to spin,” explained local born-again Christian Tom Sanders-Hewitt of Saint Charles. “It was bad enough with the whole pussy-gate scandal, but it’s going to be next to impossible to pretend Trump is a crusader for Christ if he really did impregnate this Shera Bechard and consent to her having an abortion. It would take at least two more fundamentalist Supreme Court justices for me to forgive him… or one executive order turning America into a Christian theocracy!”

“My atheist neighbors always mock me for being hypocritical in my support for Donald Trump, but Trump is not doing us any favors,” said Jamie Powers, a local Baptist. “If Trump really did make this Playmate girl get an abortion I would just have to insist it’s fake news even if Trump admits it. I would have to go full-conspiracy nut, because it’s the only way I could justify my vote for such a gross, sociopath. But I suppose it’s not the most misleading thing I believe—after all, I believe that God is all-loving but that he judges humans for their very finite sins with infinite punishment, and that God never makes mistakes but that being gay is unnatural, so whatever. I’ll just add it to the list of things I believe that don’t make logical, coherent sense.”

 

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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