The 3,409 federal investigations into EPA Chief Scott Pruitt’s swampy bureaucratic douchery finally convinced him to resign in disgrace, and Mr. Pruitt announced today his intention to ghost the environment after a year and a half of f****ing it.
“I don’t have any intentions of pursuing my relationship with planet Earth,” explained Mr. Pruitt in a press conference this morning. “I don’t respect her. I never respected her. During all the times I f***ed Earth, I never used protection, and I blew loads of carbon dioxide all up inside her atmosphere every chance I got. I leaked oil into every one of Earth’s orifices I could. I even let my big energy friends get in on the action. We gangbanged the planet. But now I’m walking away from her. Earth has been my bitch and my pollution hoe for some time, but I’m done with her. I won’t be calling her ever again. Now I’m looking for a different planet to f***, probably Mars. That Mars planet is some hot, fresh meat. Her atmosphere is untouched, with some nice, virgin air. Earth is just about used up, and has a real bad case of global warming. I need a younger, less abused planet for my throbbing pollution needs.”