Donald Trump Promises He Won’t Let Putin Get Past Second Base In Private Helsinki Meeting


Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump has responded with a series of tweets to criticism that he would meet with Vladimir Putin alone in a private get-together in Helsinki:


“Putin and I are just friends, nothing more! The Fake News wants you to believe I’m some kind of floozie for dictators, but I never put out until at least the fifth date!”

“Even if Putin gets real handsy, I’ll keep my honor. Maybe I’ll let him kiss my cheek when we say goodbye, but NOTHING MORE! If he makes a move to kiss my lips, I definitely won’t give him any tongue.”

“Under no circumstances will I let Putin get past second base! His firm, giant manly hands might cup my man-boobs in Helsinki, but they are definitely not going any lower! I can guarantee it!”

“I’m a good Christian boy, and I absolutely will not give away my dictator V-card for Vlad easily. I have to keep him interested! I’m going to string him along and make him desperate for more so that he makes good deals for America before I give him my soft, curvy body to have his way with. MAGA!”


(Picture courtesy of FolsomNatural.)

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