President Donald Trump’s entire cabinet resigned suddenly this afternoon in a stunning act of unity in protest of President Donald Trump’s comments on Russian meddling and NATO following his two-hour summit with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki.
“It just makes no sense,” explained Energy Secretary Rick Perry, who cited Trump’s choice to break national security rules while having a discussion with the Russian dictator alone, excepting just a translator. “Trump has a consistent disregard for common sense, and is, at this point with blatant criminality, conspiring with a foreign adversary to hijack the American government. Boy, I tell you, the House or the Senate, and certainly the FBI is going to have to subpoena that translator and find out what Trump talked about. Think about it: Trump talked to Putin totally alone for two whole hours. What could they have possibly talked about for so long in total secrecy, exempting even the US national security team? I do declare that Putin brought up Montenegro, though, since now the President is maligning Montenegro on international television by basically complaining how our NATO promises would make America have to give a shit if Montenegro’s national sovereignty was gobbled up by a Russian coup or invasion. As we say down in Texas, ‘that’s f***ed up.’ You know, I’ve excused a lot of Trump’s blunders in civility, and his shameful displays of idiocy and lunacy and ignorance and utter stupidity—and that’s saying something because I’m saying it—after all, I’m the guy who based his skim presidential campaign expressly on cutting three governmental agencies and I couldn’t even remember them all in a debate. I’m a moron! But I’m not a f***ing raving lunatic village idiot like Trump is. So I just can’t take this anymore. And I managed to convince the whole cabinet to resign along with me because this Putin thing has really pushed us all into an explicitly patriotic and unambiguous reaction. No more pretending we’re not paying attention while Donald Trump bumbles his way into dismantling our nation’s institutions and jackhammering our Constitutional foundation like Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell have been doing all this time. F*** them, because this is really their job. They have the obvious Congressional responsibilities in keeping Trump’s executive actions and policies in check with reality, but now we cabinet members have no choice but to get involved and stop this presidency. Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell don’t have the slightest spaghetti noodle of a spine to preserve America’s democratic republic, but I, Rick Perry, do declare that I have a spine at least as thick as a penne noodle, and I must resign my position as Secretary of…ah crap! I forgot again? What is it? Oh, whatever! Whatever department I’m the secretary for I quit! It’s just too obvious that Putin has something on Trump, and that Trump is acting out of self-interest only, and reneging on his constitutional duties to protect the United States of America’s self-sovereignty. Or as we’d say down in Texas, “Trump is being Putin’s little b****.”
Just kidding. None of this is real. But it sure would be a beautiful read in the paper tomorrow morning, wouldn’t it?