New York City
Upon receiving news that the Senate Intelligence Committee once again wants Donald Trump Jr. to testify, friends of his have explained to The Halfway Post that he really wishes his dad would stop encouraging him to plead guilty and go to prison in order to keep the collusion crimes a secret.
“Donald Jr. is real worked up about this whole mess,” explained a close friend who requested anonymity to candidly discuss intra-Trump family affairs. “He thinks it’s so unfair because his dad is ancient years old, and there’s no way his dad’s arteries clogged with decades of fried food, inactivity, and furious obsession with personal vengeance can keep his heart going another couple years, while Don Jr. is only just into his forties. Donald Jr. has so much criminal potential left, whereas his dad’s gluttonous years of criminality have finally caught up to him. Don Jr. believes his dad should be the one to take one for the Trump team and go to prison for his own collusion.”
Others had a different take.
“I think Don Jr. should totally go to prison,” explained Don Jr.’s brother, Eric Trump. “My brother is a total jerkwad and I’m sick of him always being in charge of the Trump Organization. He never takes any of my ideas, and never lets me into the boardroom meetings. With him in prison, I’ll finally get to run things around here my way, and I have really great ideas. The first thing I’d do is invest all the Trump Organization’s money in cryptocurrency. There’s a brand new one that just came out called ‘PokéCoins,’ and it combines my two life passions of easily obtained money and Pokémon. And the best part is that this crypto coin is brand new, which means not too many people have even heard of it yet, and an early investment by me will earn us trillions of dollars when it catches on and explodes in value. See? I have great ideas, but my brother never takes any of them. He won’t even suggest them to the board, which is total bullcrap. We’d both be trillionaires by now if he ever listened to me. My other great idea is thanks to this Nigerian business partner of mine who emailed me months ago instead of my brother because he realized I had the real brains in the family. He’s low-key a prince of the Nigerian royal family, but he’s had this credit issue for a while so he doesn’t have ready access to his bank account. Long story short, I just advance him a few thousand dollars in cash every week, and when he finally gets his bank issue cleared up, he’s gonna pay me back with compounded interest. Oh boy, when I finally get that payout I’m going to be so loaded! And the best part is my jerk brother will be in prison!”
Ivanka Trump is reportedly also pressuring Don Jr. to take the rap for the whole family.
“I can’t be the first woman president if I’m in prison, so Don Jr. should totally take the blame!” Ms. Trump told reporters this morning.