Trump: “Marie Yovanovitch Was Bleeding Out Of Her Wherever!”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump is apparently upset that career diplomat Marie Yovanovitch testified against his presidential conduct in the Congressional impeachment hearings.

He tweeted the following Twitter thread this morning, beginning at 2:13am:

“Marie Yovanovitch is a nobody! More like YovanoBITCH! Who is she? I’ve never heard of her before. She was a Never Trumper, and all of those things she said about me were 100% Fake News! I didn’t even watch the hearings because they were SO boring, and the Crazy Delusional Enemy of the People Crooked Democrats are rabid…”

“…Dogs foaming at the mouth committing Presidential Harassment! No President has accomplished so much as me, how could they Impeach me?! I’ve achieved more in two years than every President combined! The stock market is great, and everyone at Mar-a-Lago is making so much money! I never see ANY poor people there, I think the Failing New York Times is just making them up!”

“This Yovanovitch woman is a real loser! I tried to stop her from testifying, but you know women… it should be illegal to testify against the President. She said some very not nice things about me. She must have been bleeding out of her wherever. Or maybe having menopausal hot flashes. Just so nasty!”

“It’s too bad I only have one Ivanka! She would have made a great Ukrainian diplomat. Maybe one of the best! Can you imagine a world with ten Ivankas? 100 Ivankas? Imagine if every woman was a 10 like her! Not like Yovanovitch, who is a 5 on a good day!”

“Oh, and I’m totally healthy! My recent hospital visit was totally routine, even though no one knew it was coming! My doctor told me I’m healthier than all the other presidents combined, and that my hands are actually the biggest he has ever seen! He said my fingers aren’t like little sausages at all! And he said my junk wasn’t mushroom-shaped…”

“…like that disgusting dog Stormy Daniels said! But don’t subpoena my doctor about any of that because that information is under executive privilege! You hear me, Adam Schiff? My doctor is off-limits! And I’d totally release my medical records publicly except that they’re under audit. But I promise after the next election I’ll release them! And I never break my promises to release important info at a later, vaguely described time!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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