Trump: “I Wish I Could Fight Adam Schiff In A Duel Like Presidents Used To”

Washington D.C.—

The impeachment investigation is reportedly getting to President Donald Trump, and White House officials have tried to cheer him up in spite of the almost certain successful Democratic impeachment vote coming up.

“The President is really getting upset about the prospect of this dark stain on his legacy,” explained a top aide, who requested anonymity to candidly discuss the internal deliberations of Trump and his staff. “His favorite former president is Andrew Jackson, and when he found out Jackson had fought duels and killed some of his social enemies, Trump got very jealous. He says he’d love to challenge Adam Schiff, Colonel Vindman, or even Nancy Pelosi to a duel, but he’s concerned it would go very badly for him because of his obesity and bone spur issues. Adam Schiff is so skinny, and he’s afraid he’d miss Schiff with a revolver shot while he himself was a giant target. Schiff could practically shoot at Trump with his eyes closed and still not miss.”

Other aides have tried to cheer the President up by bringing him photos of various weapons he could theoretically duel Democrats with, but each suggestion only leaves him more depressed.

“You see, Mr. Trump hasn’t participated in any physical activity or exercise since the 1980s, and the copious amounts of fast food he’s eaten since haven’t been very good to his arteries,” suggested an adviser to the President. “We bring him pictures of swords, and maces, and axes and stuff like that, but Trump has physical problems walking up flights of stairs, and starts heavy mouth-breathing when he talks for more than thirty seconds. So when he looks through the catalogue of Lord of the Rings-themed weapons that Stephen Miller gave him, he chokes up a bit and tears form in the corners of his eyes as he laments that he’ll never be able to swing some heavy medieval battle axe in a fight to the death against Eric Swalwell.”

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