According to Iranian government officials, the Iranian government is planning a response to President Donald Trump’s assassination of Qassem Suleimoni that targets only Mr. Trump.
The strategy is to direct Iranian cyber warfare operatives to hack into the Internal Revenue Service’s servers, find Trump’s tax returns, and leak them to every news agency that wants them.
“We don’t want a war with the American people,” explained Iranian press officer Rumadi Trabizi, “The American people are chill, and we know they don’t like President Trump either. And he didn’t really get elected thanks to America’s silly, outdated Electoral College system. What’s with that? Iran would never allow a state as big as California to have the same Senate representation as Idaho. It’s preposterous! Besides, we’ve intercepted so many of the secret communications between Trump and the Russians because he uses his insecure cell phone for late night calls. Very traceable. Most of it is useless from an Iranian security standpoint, but our recordings are very embarrassing for Trump. Every night, Trump begs Putin to read him bedtime stories like a little baby. Trump’s favorites are stories where he’s a more popular president than Barack Obama. And, also like a baby, Trump likes repetition, requesting Putin read him the same stories over and over. It’s the only way he can go to sleep. When Putin isn’t available, Sean Hannity calls in and reads him supportive tweets Fox News anchors have tweeted that day. We’ll release all this once we get those tax returns. His tax returns are, no doubt, full of Russian loans, property sales, rental profits, and illegitimate money laundering. The guy literally gets an allowance from Putin, which goes down or up depending on how satisfied Putin is with Trump. We have several tapes of Trump begging for allowance increases, too. Lot of tears, some screaming tantrums about how unfair Putin is, and sometimes he wishes out loud he had never been born. But every time Trump announces he wants to abandon a NATO ally, Putin gives him a little raise, and Trump congratulates himself on his business skills. Putin offers a lot of encouragement. He tells Trump that he is way tougher than Obama used to be, and Trump makes him promise it’s true over and over. These tapes will really ruin Trump’s image. But it’s necessary. We don’t want a war with America. We love Americans. When we say ‘death to America’ we really just mean their imperialist government. And besides, Trump is much too sociopathic to care about the Iranian military attacking and killing American soldiers. Trump objectifies everything around him, including human lives. But he will care lots when the American people see he’s basically breast fed every night by Putin. America is ready for a regime change. And, seriously, Americans need to abolish the Electoral College. Your Senate is full of white racists because all these small rural states get the same number of senators as California, despite the city of Los Angeles being bigger than a dozen states combined. Iran’s senate is more democratic than America’s, and we’re a theocracy!”