Donald Trump Claims He Looks Younger Than Pete Buttigieg

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today published several tweets contrasting himself with presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg, after noting that Buttigieg was consistently surprising political pundits with high polling in both Iowa and New Hampshire.

The following are the President’s tweets:

“Mayor Pete is doing very well compared to Old Man Bernie, Menopausal Warren, Alzheimer’s Biden, Period Blood Klobuchar, Mushroom Penis Steyer, Tiny Fingers Bloomberg, Squinty Yang, and Pretty Okay Gabbard! And he’s got energy. Hey, Pete, tell me what pills you snort, I want them!”

“But Mayor Pete will never do well in the Christian community. Unlike me, who may be one of the best Christians of all time. My faith is tremendous, everyone talks about it. I’m so Christian they even give me a pass on the porn star stuff, and the charity fraud, and the pageant locker room snooping, and graphically describing Ivanka’s anatomy on TV…”

“…I didn’t know being a Christian was so easy and required so little self-reflection. I should have been doing Christianity a long time ago! I bet Mayor Pete is just faking his Christian faith for political gain. Unlike me. I really mean it, and have committed myself 100% since I started running for president…”

“…A lot of people don’t know this, but I’m one of the best prayers of all time. That’s why God keeps my skin such a healthy glowing color. And why my hair hasn’t balded or required any procedures or work on it at all! You could say I’m the chosen one. I’m actually more naturally blonde now than I’ve ever been! I see grey in Pete’s hair already!”

“People tell me I look much healthier than Pete. It’s all that my Christian supporters are talking about. They say Pete is a fake Jesus lover, and that he’s probably lying about his age. People are saying he might be much older than he claims! Has anyone ever seen his birth certificate? I think I’ll tell Rudy to get some Ukrainians to look into this! Watch out, Pete!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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