Ken Starr Says If Trump Had Asked Zelensky For a Blowjob, It’d Be Totally Different

Washington D.C.—

After the Senate impeachment trial today, President Donald Trump’s lawyer Ken Starr, infamous for leading the carnival show that was President Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial over lying about a blowjob, was asked by reporters how on Earth Trump was less deserving of removal from office than Clinton.

“It’s actually very simple,” explained Starr to a Fox News correspondent. “If Trump had extorted the Ukrainian government in order to receive oral sex from President Zelensky, and then directed his governmental and Congressional allies to cover up the extortion and obstruct Congress in investigating the sex-related bribery, then it would be a crime worthy of impeachment. Instead, all the President did was extort the Ukrainian government toward concocting a fake investigation into his political opponent for personal—not national—gain. While what President Trump did may sound bad and illegal, the precedent I set in the Clinton impeachment trial was that the only crimes worthy of impeachment involve blowjobs. Same deal with the Mueller Investigation. Had Trump sucked off Vladimir Putin and swallowed all those little oligarch spermies, Mueller would have been well within his rights to have prosecuted Trump for treasonous collusion. Instead, Trump merely asked Putin several times to leak a bunch of Hillary Clinton’s emails that the Russian government had hacked for his personal, electoral gain. No blowjob, no impeachment. That’s the rule the Founding Fathers meant, even though they never wrote it anywhere in the Constitution. Now, where’s the nearest bank? I have a fat, fat check Donald Trump wrote me I want to cash ASAP!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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