New York City, NY—
Fox News just hired a brand new medical expert to weigh in on developments of the coronavirus during the cable news channel’s programming, though the choice was instantly controversial.
Eric Trump, who has no formal medical training, joined Fox & Friends this morning, and will make appearances tonight on the shows of Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson.
“The Fake News will claim I know nothing about medicine and healthcare, but that kind of ignorance is why my father will win Wisconsin again in 2020,” explained Eric Trump to Brian Kilmeade. “My father could have been a great doctor because his uncle was a brilliant STEM professional at MIT, and if my father has all that genetic knowledge and book learning from his uncle, then I have it, too. I always thought I could have been a great doctor myself, but I did so well in business school that I had a ton of businesses trying to hire me the day I graduated. How many uni students can say that? Oh, sorry, ‘uni’ is an acronym for ‘university.’ When you’re as smart as I am, you start finding all kinds of ways to save yourself time and energy, so I tend to shorten words like ‘university.’ Because, if time is money, my time is very, very valuable. That’s probably why so many great companies were competing against each other to hire me the minute I graduated. I eventually chose the Trump Organization, but I also got offers from Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump Toilet Paper, Trump Diapers, Trumperall, Trump University, and Miss Universe. And I had tons of ideas for all these companies. For the Miss Universe beauty pageant company, I thought it’d be a great idea if the male executives would no longer be able to go into the girls’ locker rooms when they’re changing. My dad is a great business man, but I always thought the girls would stay more focused and ultimately perform better if my dad didn’t go in there and try to see them naked, or line them up and comment on their bodies in front of everyone, or invite them up to his penthouse and solicit them for sex. I always thought that the competition would be better if my dad was more concerned about the girls’ personalities and volunteer work than trying to have sex with teenagers. Also, from a business standpoint, we’d save so much money not paying for dozens of nondisclosure agreements every year. It costs a lot of money to keep the girls quiet about the adderall snorting, adult diapers, n-word usage, and behavior that our legal system technically classifies as pedophilia and sexual harassment.”
“So, Eric, what are some of your ideas for combatting the spread of coronavirus?” asked Steve Doocy.
“Actually, the answer is very simple, and I believe it’s to do nothing,” said Eric. “We have only done a fraction of the number of coronavirus tests here in America that other countries have, and that’s why our number of cases is so much lower than other countries. The Fake News will say that fact suggests the number of infected people in America is dramatically higher than is being reported, and that the lack of testing only makes it seem like coronavirus isn’t all over America right now as we speak, but—the lower the number of confirmed cases—the more plausible deniability we have that the US is currently suffering a pandemic. That’s great news for my father, who would get blamed quite a bit for not doing more to prevent the coronavirus’s spread. So if all the Americans who come down with coronavirus-like symptoms could just blame their illness on the flu, that’d be great. Wash your hands and avoid public places, too, but the most valuable thing Americans could do right now is just lie about any symptoms they’re feeling and definitely don’t go to the doctor and ask for a coronavirus test.”
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