St. Louis, MO—
Opening up America’s economy and sending workers back to their jobs and potential coronavirus infection is perfectly pro-life.
Are the workers fetuses? No, because we have anti-business labor laws thanks to all the annoying liberals who whined and cried until we stopped forcing fetuses into the coal mines. Now valuable coal in tiny little crevices only fetus hands can reach goes uncollected and America’s GDP suffers. Thanks a lot, liberals!
So as long as all the workers we send back to their jobs are already born, there’s nothing wrong. If businesses were employing fetuses, zygotes, ova or even sperm, then we’d have a pro-life problem!
After all, we can’t send the unborn into harm’s way and risk them contracting COVID19 or dying before birth, no matter how few cells make up their mass. But already-born employees are totally fine to exploit and/or ignore. That’s the pro-life way!
So get back to work, you lazy already-borners! Profits are way down, and if the mega rich are going to get the end-of-year bonuses they deserve, we have to make up for lost time! But you’re going to really have to pick up the slack because it’s much too early for job creators to get back to work. You’ll have to manage without them because they are too valuable to the company to risk getting COVID19 themselves, and if all of you employees are at work mixing your germs and potentially spreading the coronavirus everywhere, the workplace will become a total swampy cesspool of potential death! The job creators will have to stay at home in their mansions and run the business from safety.
But you workers will be totally fine! And if not, your sacrifice for your bosses’ bonuses, salary raises, and stock dividends will be much appreciated. Though try to give your employer a two-weeks notice if you’re going to die. We need to find your replacement, you know?
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!