God Announces Atheists Are His New Chosen People

Heaven—

The Halfway Post caught up with God this morning, and the following is a transcript of the conversation, lightly edited for clarity:

THP: “Hey, God, how do You think Trump is doing?”

GOD: “Trump is an empty shell with which I have been conducting a moral test of ethics and character for the Christians of America. It has truly astonished me how gung-ho for demagogic fascism these Christians are. For all their superfluous theatrics of self-righteousness, they have abandoned their morals at the first convenience of short-term political gain. They love Trump, and think he is a paragon of Christian virtue somehow. Trump is the antithesis to every value I instilled in them with Jesus’s message, yet they think Trump is fulfilling My will by openly mocking those values of charity, kindness, pacifism, and humility. Donald Trump is an egomaniac who inherited tons of money and lost it all with masturbatory vanity. He is literally the anti-christ, and I created to test my flock. I even made it easy for them to cast him aside by making Trump look ridiculous with orange skin that stops at his hairline and eyes, fake marmot hair, blatantly fake white teeth, and I gave him an awful car salesman’s personality. He doesn’t read, he boastfully has no respect for anyone much smarter than him, and he doesn’t respect women—half the population! He’s mentally a talent-less six-year-old who can’t thoughtfully or articulately describe ideas or complex, nuanced thoughts, and his ego is literally physiologically allergic to the act of self-reflection. He is a monstrous fraud in every aspect of his life, and, yet, white Evangelicals love him! I am very impressed with black Christians, however. They can see him for who he really is.”

THP: “That’s incredible hearing this from You, God.”

GOD: “The most incredible thing is that white Evangelicals think they’re doing something for Me by idolizing Trump. Puh-lease… like I’d reward them for being the annoying clique in the societal cafeteria hall thinking they’re better than everyone else because they read somewhere in the Bible that their religion was the best. Talk about circular logic. ‘Christianity is real because the Bible says it is.’ Ha! News flash, I didn’t write it! I barely inspired it. You really think that if I, God, wrote a long book that was supposed to guide every aspect of your life, that it would be anything like the Old Testament. Really? REALLY? You’d think I’d just fill space with long lists of people begetting other people? You think a book that I, your omniscient Creator, wrote to endure through twenty centuries of civilizational development would include so much incest? I mean, come on, you gotta admit that there is a suspicious amount of incest in the Bible. Ancient humans were some real perverts. And Evangelicals literally believe I’m all powerful, yet say on page one of the Bible that I needed to take a break on the 7th day. You think I’d write that about Myself? Why would any self-respecting God anywhere ever write a book in which He unnecessarily accuses Himself or Herself of needing to take a freaking break from being God for a full Earth day?”

THP: “So… do You have any retribution coming white Evangelicals’ way if You’re so pissed off at them?”

GOD: “Glad you asked. Yep. As of right now, I—God—officially declare that white Evangelicals are not my chosen people. My new favorite people are…drumroll—tadadadaaa: liberal atheists! Liberal atheists are the new favorites. They’re chill, they don’t waste all their charity money on building giant gaudy churches for themselves, they are the nicest neighbors, they don’t judge nearly as much as Christians because they’re not obsessed with theocratic legalism, they tip well, they say ‘no problem’ while helping people even when its a big problem because they don’t want the people they are helping to feel as if there has been any inconvenience… Atheists are My people. In fact, everyone who voted for Trump the first election will have to spend four years in purgatory wandering a desolate wasteland to reflect on their terrible lack of concern for their country, and anyone who votes for Trump a second time will go straight to Hell.”

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