St. Louis, MO—
Unexpectedly, Jesus Christ returned to Earth yesterday, showing up in St. Louis, Missouri.
He gave an impromptu speech to a crowd that assembled under the Gateway Arch, and his truly surprised all who were there to witness it.
“Why are you all trying so hard to be good all the time?” Jesus asked a stunned crowd. “I died specifically so you could all sin as much you want. Like, I don’t get you guys. Why should I have gone through all the trouble of being crucified if you weren’t going to take advantage of My sacrifice? You know being crucified isn’t pleasant, right? But I want you all to be able to have a good time. What good is being alive if you can’t have premarital sex, or lie for personal gain, or get really rich? All those sins are forgiven as long as you regret them right before you die!”
The crowd stared at Jesus in disbelief. Somewhere, someone coughed.
“I really thought more of you would be sinning way more than you are,” Jesus continued. “My suffering absorbed all your sins. If I was you I’d be snorting all kinds of drugs, stealing everything I could get My hands on, eating major shellfish, and cussing out My parents all the time. Why, I’m coveting that man’s wife right now as we speak.”
The woman Jesus pointed to turned a bright red, and her husband got visibly uncomfortable.
There was a long pause. Then Jesus burst out laughing.
“Why is everyone so uptight?” Jesus asked. “I’m serious! Sin all you want! Everything is forgiven! Everyone is forgiven for everything for all of eternity for everything they’ve ever done and will ever do! I’m here talking to you all, aren’t I? You all believe in me, right? So we’re all saved! Sin as much as you want. Covet everyone’s wives, homes, and cows—covet whatever you want! It was paid for up on that cross 2,000 years ago! Let’s party!”
A man in the crowd punched the guy next to him.
“Forgiven!” shouted Jesus.
A woman next to Jesus groped his butt.
“Forgiven and encouraged!” shouted Jesus.
Another man announced he was going to divorce his wife.
“Forgiven!” Jesus said. “Now you’re all getting the hang of it!”
Then the crowd erupted into a giant brawl, and soon dispersed to loot and destroy everything in the sinners’ path.
By the end of the night, all of St. Louis had been razed to the ground by rioting, partying sinners committing every sin in the book. The destruction and violence was all cheered on the whole time by Cool Jesus, who did a keg-stand every hour and passed out brownies laced with heavenly drugs that offered euphoric sensations.
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