St. Louis, MO—
The Halfway Post caught several Democratic operatives submitting at least a dozen binders full of signatures endorsing the presidential candidacy of Adolph Hitler yesterday afternoon.
The effort is intended to get Hitler on the ballot to split the conservative vote and hurt the campaign of President Donald Trump.
“I’ll be very candid with you,” said one of the operatives, Tommy Mortloch, 29. “Republicans are putting Kanye on the ballot to try to weaken Democrats’ black vote, so we’re putting Hitler on the ballot to weaken Republicans’ racist vote. We know Hitler being on the ballot will severely hurt Donald Trump’s reelection chances. We’ve done extensive polling that shows just about one-third of Trump’s supporters in cities would more enthusiastically vote for Hitler if given the opportunity, and the Democratic Party would love to help them help us make Trump lose. It’s even better state-wide. Extrapolations from our months-long analysis of Republican voters show that a full half of rural Trump supporters are just unfulfilled, meandering Hitler supporters. We might be doing a bit of a political trick or scheme here getting the Nazi Fuhrer on the ballot to split the Republican vote catastrophically for Trump, but it’s not our fault the Republican Party is turning so eagerly racist and fascist.”
The Democratic operatives then put on red “Make America Great Again” hats.
“Well, gotta get back out there celebrating with Trump fans that Hitler’s gonna be on the ballot this November!” said Mortlach. “It lights their faces right up to sign their names on our petition. You know, it makes them happy, it makes us Democrats happy, so where’s the problem? The Bible Belt gets to tell history books they thought Hitler had some good ideas, and we get to bash in the Trump Reelection’s knees left so electorally weak without all the dumb, wasted votes for some imagined, fanciful Fourth Reich. Who doesn’t benefit from this symbiotic partnership of democratic expression?”
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