Speaking at a prayer breakfast in D.C. this morning, Evangelical leader Jerry Falwell Jr. delivered an introductory speech in praise of President Donald Trump, who attended the event, for his personal dedication to Jesus Christ.
The Halfway Post was on scene to capture audio of the address, which is transcribed below:
“Thank you, everyone, for coming to this wonderful tradition of the annual Congressional Prayer Breakfast. I would like to kick things off by thanking Donald Trump. No president in US history has ever lived the Gospels so determinedly as you, sir. I know there is a big mess going on right now with this Stormy Daniels affair, but let me just assure you that the Lord is not worried about trivial, awesome stories like that. Now if you had had an affair with a gay man, baby Jesus would be livid. That’s a no-no. You can’t make out with a Latin pool boy and caress his nipples, for instance. Or then lick his neck and tongue down his back and bulging lats following the thick grooves of his adonis belt wandering your tongue back around toward his plump butt cheeks and—oompfh, don’t let me get carried away! But, yeah, if Stormy was a man, we would have a problem. The Bible doesn’t condone steamy man-on-man action, but the Bible, if you ask me, is conspicuously silent on the issue of heterosexual porn stars. The ancient Israelites couldn’t even imagine video pornography, so no harm no foul there. The closest thing to porn they had were suggestive and risqué drawings on their urns and vases. So let me assure you, Donald, that God and baby Jesus are A-ok with you and Stormy. Now, if you were eating shrimp at the same time, Leviticus might have a boner to pick with you, oops, pun unintended! But as long as you weren’t being penetrated over and over by a girthy, veiny, nine-inch magnificent penis glistening with lube and saliva left over from a blowjob you just gave it starting at the tip and descending down the shaft up and down, up and down until you can feel it at the back of your throat, and you hold it there for five seconds, ten seconds, as long as your gag reflex can hold off while you pleasure yourself manually…”
Falwell paused here for about 20 seconds with his eyes closed as he gripped the podium until his knuckles turned white.
“…As long as you weren’t doing any of that devil’s work, it’s 100% fine that you were cheating on your third wife while she was pregnant. It’s not like you aborted Barron! Maybe you disgraced his parents’ marriage, but the Bible only says children can’t be disrespectful to their parents, not the reverse! So way different. I guarantee it! In fact, I give your affair my official Jerry Falwell Biblical Seal of Approval. No one knows more about the Bible than me. I’m the biggest expert on sola scriptura in the world. That’s the beauty of the Evangelical interpretation of the Bible. You don’t need all the historical, critical, and literary context that the elitist historians insist matters! You just have to believe Jesus will forgive you for anything you do no matter how habitually! Nothing else matters! So thank you, President Trump. And let me just say that, however depraved your personal and professional conduct gets, I will find a Bible verse somewhere that clears you of sin as long as you keep giving us Christian-fundamentalist federal judges and Supreme Court justices who will slowly convert America’s judiciary into an Evangelical theocracy like an American Christian version of Sharia law. I will back you up, brother! Because you are truly a man of God. You’re totally not a sodomite, just like I’m totally not one either! Me and you are probably the least gay men to ever live. I can’t even imagine how many cock sneak attacks God has sent your way to test your faith that you’ve courageously swatted away and refused. It happens to me all the time. You all know what I’m talking about, right?”
Falwell motioned to the audience, but there was no response. Then he tried again.
“How many times has the Devil gotten into your head, and tempted you to lay with a man like a woman? And you said to Satan, ‘Sashay away, Devil!’ Like when you’re in the locker room at the YMCA, and naked men come back from their showers to change? Or when you’re in a gas station bathroom and you see all those burly truck drivers who have compartments in their cabs that you could crawl up into, and no one would ever see or know how eagerly you begged to be objectified and degraded like a naughty piece of meat deserving to be lasciviously tenderized? I’m practically swatting away big, swollen, delicious cocks all the time! Who’s with me?”
The crowd was somehow even more silent than before.
“Uh… now I guess it’s time for the prayer. Um, dear God, thanks for letting me be born into a rich family, and inherit all the wealth, and the ministry business, and Liberty University that my dad did all the hard work for! And thanks for giving me the wisdom to realize that, instead of giving away my knowledge about Evangelism for free like Jesus would have done, that I can make a whole lot more money selling Christianity for a profit instead. And thank you for President Donald Trump, who is even less of a sodomite than I am, and I’m so not one! Amen!”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!