Jerry Falwell, Jr: “Trump’s Affairs Don’t Count Because They’re Awesome!”

Washington D.C.—

Speaking at a prayer breakfast in the White House this morning, Evangelical leader Jerry Falwell, Jr. delivered an introductory speech in praise of President Donald Trump’s personal dedication to Jesus Christ.

The Halfway Post was on scene to capture audio of the address, which is transcripted below:

“Thank you, everyone, for coming to this wonderful tradition of the annual White House Prayer Breakfast. I would like to kick things off by saying thank you to Donald Trump. No president in US history has ever lived the Gospels so determinedly as you, sir. I know there is some controversy over your various marital affairs, but let me just assure you that the Lord is not worried about trivial, awesome stories like that. Now if you had had an affair with a gay man, baby Jesus would be livid. Or if you had made out with a Latin pool boy and caressed his nipples, and licked his neck, and tongued down his back and bulging lats following down the thick grooves of his adonis belt, and then wandered your tongue back around toward his plump butt cheeks and—oompfh, don’t let me get carried away! But, yeah, if Stormy was a man we would have a problem. The Bible doesn’t condone steamy man-on-man action, but the Bible, if you ask me, is conspicuously silent on the issue of straight porn stars. The ancient Israelites couldn’t even imagine video pornography, so no harm no foul there. The closest thing to porn they had were simplistic drawings on their urns and vases. So let me assure you, Donald, that God and baby Jesus are A-ok with you and Stormy. Now, if you were eating shrimp at the same time, Leviticus might have a boner to pick with you, pun intended, but as long as you weren’t being penetrated over and over by a girthy, veiny, 9-inch magnificent penis glistening with lube and saliva left over from a blowjob you just gave it starting at the tip and descending down the shaft up and down, up and down until you can feel it at the back of your throat and you hold it there for five seconds, ten seconds, as long as your gag reflex can hold off, while that big bear of a pool boy you allowed to seduce you on a late, rainy Saturday night in a smoky hole-in-the-wall bar invites you over and, as you struggle with second thoughts, a voice somewhere deep inside you whispers ‘you only live once’ and directs you to just go with the flow, and like a rag doll you let him push you on the ground with his big, bear arms and then teabag you and call you dirty names and slap your face as you pleasure yourself manually…. [Falwell paused here for about 20 seconds with his eyes closed as he gripped the podium until his knuckles turned white] …as long as you weren’t doing any of that devil’s work, it’s 100% fine that you were cheating on your third wife while she was pregnant. It’s not like you aborted Barron, you just disgraced his parents’ marriage! Way different. I guarantee it with my Falwell family’s Biblical seal of approval! And let me just say, Mr. President, that however depraved your personal and professional conduct gets I will find a Bible verse somewhere that clears you of sin, as long as you keep giving us Christian-fundamentalist federal judges and Supreme Court justices who will slowly convert America’s judiciary into an Evangelical theocracy like an American Christian version of Sharia law. I will back you up, brother! Because you are truly a man of God. You’re totally not a sodomite, just like I’m totally not one either! Me and you are probably the least gay men to ever live. I can’t even imagine how many cock sneak attacks God has sent your way to test your faith that you’ve courageously swatted away and refused. It happens to me all the time. You all know what I’m talking about, right? [Falwell motioned to the audience.] How many times has the Devil gotten into your head, and tempted you to lay with a man like a woman? Like when you’re in the locker room at the YMCA, and naked men come back from their showers to change. Or when you’re in a gas station bathroom and you see all those burly truck drivers who have compartments in their cabs that you could crawl up into and no one would ever see or know how eagerly you begged to be objectified and degraded like a naughty piece of meat deserving to be lasciviously tenderized. I’m practically swatting away big, swollen, delicious cocks all the time! Who is with me? [The crowd was silent.] Uh… now I guess it’s time for the prayer. Um, dear God, thanks for everything. And thank you for President Donald Trump, who is even less of a sodomite than I am, and I’m so not one! Amen!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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