Donald Trump Claims He Is Directly Descended From Jesus

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today made an extraordinary claim that Jesus Christ was one of his direct ancestors.

“I didn’t want to say it,” Trump said during a press conference, “but I am one of Jesus’s great-great-great, many greats, grandsons. When Jesus put that baby on the rock and was going to kill it to prove his loyalty to God, that baby was one of the first Trumps. Why do you think I’m so rich? I turned my small inheritance from my father of $400 million into billions and billions just like Jesus multiplied wine and bread. And just like Jesus saved mankind with his ark, I’m saving America by being president. My ark is my brilliant brain and great dealmaking. No one is better at deals than me. No one in the world. Deals just come easy to me. I could make tremendous deals even if I was blind and deaf. So that’s why I need to be reelected. I know I said a trade deal with China was going to be so easy, but if I get four more years I promise I’ll get it done, for real this time. Just like Jesus got his trade deal with the Pharaoh done to free the Jews from slavery in Egypt. Jesus Trump was quite a guy, wasn’t he? And I’m exactly like him. Just like Jesus was a carpenter before being the savior, I was a builder of buildings before being America’s savior. And Jesus hung around prostitutes, too, just like me! That’s why the Christians love me. And they hate Joe Biden. Biden is the worst. He’s the least Christian person you’ll ever meet. Trust me. He hates God. You wouldn’t believe how much he hates God! If he gets elected he’s going to tie God up and torture God! You wouldn’t believe the things Joe Biden would do to God! So remember, a vote for Donald Trump is a vote for Jesus, my great, great, many-greats grandfather!”

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

3 thoughts

  1. This is by far is the most hateful article ive ever read. Bet you whoever wrote this is a hateful person that continues the division in America. You should be ashamed of yourself writing such blasphemy. It’s not even good enough for the enquirer. You will answer for this when you pass. So mote it be.


    1. Otra ves ya pasamos por esto ase más de 2000 anos no aprendieron nada . Come on compita relax y mejor calla el osico mejor Gracias


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s