Donald Trump Claims He Is Directly Descended From Jesus

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today made an extraordinary claim that Jesus Christ was one of his direct ancestors.

“I didn’t want to say it,” Trump said during a press conference, “but I am one of Jesus’s great-great-great, many greats, grandsons. When Jesus put that baby on the rock and was going to kill it to prove his loyalty to God, that baby was one of the first Trumps. Why do you think I’m so rich? I turned my small inheritance from my father of $400 million into billions and billions just like Jesus multiplied wine and bread. And just like Jesus saved mankind with his ark, I’m saving America by being president. My ark is my brilliant brain and great dealmaking. No one is better at deals than me. No one in the world. Deals just come easy to me. I could make tremendous deals even if I was blind and deaf. So that’s why I need to be reelected. I know I said a trade deal with China was going to be so easy, but if I get four more years I promise I’ll get it done, for real this time. Just like Jesus got his trade deal with the Pharaoh done to free the Jews from slavery in Egypt. Jesus Trump was quite a guy, wasn’t he? And I’m exactly like him. Just like Jesus was a carpenter before being the savior, I was a builder of buildings before being America’s savior. And Jesus hung around prostitutes, too, just like me! That’s why the Christians love me. And they hate Joe Biden. Biden is the worst. He’s the least Christian person you’ll ever meet. Trust me. He hates God. You wouldn’t believe how much he hates God! If he gets elected he’s going to tie God up and torture God! You wouldn’t believe the things Joe Biden would do to God! So remember, a vote for Donald Trump is a vote for Jesus, my great, great, many-greats grandfather!”

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