According to White House insiders, Vice President Mike Pence is very worried he might sin against God during his upcoming debate against Kamala Harris.
“Mike is very worried Kamala might wear a dress that shows off her shoulders, or her ankles, or a little bit of cleavage, and that he might get caught on live television sneaking a peak,” explained a White House staffer assisting Mr. Pence’s debate preparation. “The Bible is very clear about coveting other men’s wives, and Pence thinks Kamala Harris’s husband is a lucky man. Mike asked the debate coordinators if it was possible to include in the debate rules a stipulation that Kamala wear a burqa so Mike could comfortably control his covetous urges and corrupting thoughts while on the debate stage, but the event organizers refused to mandate that. Then Mike asked if she could at least wear a floor-length dress with sleeves past her elbows and long gloves, but the debate coordinators insisted Kamala could dress herself however she pleased. Mike tried one last time, and asked if Kamala could at least be forced to wear her hair up in a tight, austere bun so she couldn’t distract him with her feminine wiles turning her head and swaying her hair back and forth intermittently exposing her neck, but the debate moderators refused once again. They said Pence should just try not to be a weird, creepy, overly-Christian perv.”
Mr. Pence was reportedly discouraged, but has since decided that he will wear very dark sunglasses during the debate to obscure Kamala’s attractiveness so that he doesn’t get distracted and covetous, or forget his exhaustively researched talking points about how Jesus would have approved of Trump’s immigration policies splitting up destitute immigrant families and keeping the Latin American children indefinitely in concentration camps with sub-human conditions.
“His biggest fear is getting an accidental erection during the VP debate,” continued the White House staffer. “He keeps saying ‘mother would never forgive me.’ He’s thinking he might just never look at her, and will instead stare straight into the cameras as if looking right into viewers’ souls. But he’s real worried about her outfit throwing a wrench in his plan. He wishes he could somehow pick her clothes out for her, and pick a big, oversized parka rain coat or something. Pence always says he wishes American women weren’t so stylistically liberated. He always says things like, ‘say what you will about Muslim terrorists, at least their women know how to behave and dress!’ He kind of compliments ISIS and al-Qaeda social culture a lot, to be honest. But his fundamentalism has waned a bit in recent months. He’s mad at God that Trump wasn’t fully impeached and removed so that he could become president, and now he feels like God is really picking on him to make him debate a woman.”
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