Jerry Falwell Jr. Says “The Bible Never Said Anything About Coveting Pool Boys”

Lynchburg, VA—

Jerry Falwell Jr. addressed the controversy of several scandals revolving around his personal conduct in a press conference this afternoon.

“I understand I’m looking pretty hypocritical to a lot of people right now,” said Falwell. “I also understand a lot of students at Liberty University think it’s unfair that the school has so many old-fashioned, puritan rules they’re forced to live by that I don’t follow myself. And I get that this is pretty funny for all the libtard atheist haters out there, and that, when you step back and think about my current predicament for a moment, it’s pretty hilarious. That a publicly anti-gay Christian leader gets caught letting a hot, young, Latin stud bang his wife while he watches holding up his hand in front of his eye to block out his wife’s body. I understand why they’re happy to see an Evangelical Goliath like me fall thanks to a few incomprehensible sweetheart financial deals I’ve made with some jacked boy toy Davids. But I just want to say that my behavior only seems hypocritical. It isn’t actually hypocritical at all if you really look closely at the Bible. Because the Old Testament is very clear about not coveting your neighbor’s wife, or your neighbor’s servants, or oxen, or donkeys. But the forbidding ends there. Trust me, no one is a bigger expert on the Bible than me, and I looked everywhere. But I can report to all of you with 100% confidence that nowhere does the Bible specifically forbid coveting any pool boys. In fact, I don’t believe the Bible mentions pool boys anywhere. Not even one time. It doesn’t say not to covet any pool boys’ bulging six-packs, their bulging biceps, or their bulging bulges. So I am totally in the clear, and totally not a hypocrite. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed to the pool. There’s some pool boys there who aren’t going to be coveting themselves, if you know what I mean.”

Mr. Falwell then winked at the gathered press members, unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, pulled his shirt up exposing his belly, gave a thumbs up, and walked out of the room.

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