Philadelphia, PA—
Our Halfway Post reporter assigned to stories on the undead and supernatural sat down recently with the skeleton of Benjamin Franklin, who is incensed at Postmaster General Louis DeJoy ruining the job he used to have.
The following is a transcript of the conversation:
THP: So Mr. Franklin, how are things?
Franklin: Not good. I’m watching what this Louis DeJoy dumbf*** is doing to my beloved postal service. He’s running it into the ground, and I can speak from personal experience that being in the ground isn’t any fun. There aren’t any old French lady skeletons down there, if you catch my drift. It’s pretty lonely. But a badger burrowed into my casket intending to eat my flesh when I was freshly buried, so I’ve been f***ing that ever since. Sex is not such a beautiful thing after you’re dead. They call it a boner, but there ain’t no bone in there.
THP: What about DeJoy’s tenure has offended you the most?
Franklin: To start off, the guy literally has stocks in postal service competitors so his mere employment is a conflict of interest! And it’s so obvious what he’s doing. He’s backing up the mail intentionally so when it comes time for mail-in votes to get processed they can’t do it in any kind of orderly or efficient process. Then Trump can claim victory on election night and start suing every vote arriving late as fraud. They’re not even sneaky about it! I wouldn’t be surprised if all those executives he just put in to replace all the real executives he fired or reassigned have directions to burn all the ballots coming from Democratic zip codes! It makes me furious to think that we worked so hard to make a democracy, and these f***s are going to ruin it all because Trump has a little b**** ego. Do you know how hard it was to hash out all the Constitution’s compromises with the Southern colonies? If you think the South is ignorant and racist now… you have no idea what they were like back then! None of them wore shoes, they were all marrying their cousins, and they all pretended those mixed kids on their plantations who looked exactly like them weren’t their progeny! From the 3/5ths Compromise, to the Electoral College, to the Senate, I have to admit we really watered down American democracy to get those cousin-f***ers to agree to a federal government at all! But at least it was still somewhat democracy. I can’t believe all this chicanery Republicans are doing now! We started a revolution against dictatorial tyranny way less egregious than everything Trump is doing!
THP: What would you suggest we do?
Franklin: If I were Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer I’d start subpoenaing everyone! I’d start new impeachment investigations ASAP! It would make great politics ahead of the election, and it’s the right thing to do! But I’m going to do my part. If that dips*** Louis DeJoy thinks he can f*** my beloved postal service, I’m going to bring my badger, find DeJoy, and skullf*** him until he gets the mail back up and running efficiently!
From The Halfway Post vault:
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