New York City, NY—
According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump’s kids are throwing themselves into their dad’s reelection campaign to help him win, and themselves stay out of prison for fraud, Russian collusion, obstruction of justice, and many more crimes they’ve helped their father commit.
Eric Trump has the most radical idea to try and shake up the race against Joe Biden.
“I’m willing to do whatever it takes,” Eric told The Halfway Post today in a brief phone conversation. “Whatever. Do you have any idea how many Trump Organization files and memos have my signature on them that maybe, possibly exaggerated our business profits and assets for investors, and maybe, possibly undercounted them for tax auditors? And I’m already fighting off depositions and subpoenas from the New York Attorney General! And then there’s the charity fraud. Oh my God, there is so much charity fraud. And don’t even get me started on all our federal crimes. Let’s just say that I need my father to continue being the un-indictable sitting president with pardon power. So the stakes are high, and I’m throwing my heart and soul into my father’s campaign. We have some big ideas for how to keep press attention on our family, and off Joe Biden. I’m practically bursting with ideas, but my best idea is truly going to break the Internet. I was thinking about ways to capture media attention, and then it hit me that I should pull a Kim Kardashian, and leak a sex tape of myself! It’ll be great! And I’m way overdue for my first marital affair, so why not knock out two birds with one stone? My dad is constantly making fun of me by asking if I’m gay because I haven’t cheated on my wife yet, so this will finally show him I’m a real Trump man. We have a competition going in my family to see who can have the most wives, and right now I’m way behind! My dad is on his third, and will definitely dump Melania and get his forth once he’s done being president, and Don Jr. is almost on his second with Kim Guilfoyle! I have to catch up! Don Jr. was pretty clever by using our dad’s show The Apprentice to cheat on his wife with one of the contestants. Why didn’t I think of that? I was too busy taking the show seriously! So, starting today, I’m looking for some hot new women to do some marital infidelity with, and truly earn my last name of Trump! The only catch is that they have to be hot, and they have to be willing to leak a sex tape to the media! That will show Joe Biden! And his son! Hunter Biden has never had a public sex tape, so I’m a better president’s son than he’ll ever be!”
From The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!