Tehran, Iran—
The official Twitter account of the Iranian government just tweeted out a promise to end their nuclear program once and for all if President Donald Trump publicly participates in a race between him and Joe Biden to see who can run down a 30-ft ramp the fastest.
The following are the Iranian government’s tweets:
“Iran is a Muslim nation, so we value and cherish peace. Therefore, Iran wishes to offer an olive branch of truce to the Great Satan USA. We propose a deal in which we are prepared to permanently dismantle our nuclear program forever.”
“The only thing President Trump must do is conduct a race in public against Joe Biden to run down a 30-ft ramp. If President Trump does that, we will forgive him for betraying America’s promises in the previous nuclear treaty, and we will let UN observers monitor us as we remove all nuclear centrifuges.”
“This should be an easy agreement for President Trump, who has denied all rumors of brain ailments and physical impairment, and has also promised the American people repeatedly that Joe Biden is a brain-dead zombie hiding immobile in his basement.”
“Certainly with this deal President Trump will finally earn the Nobel Peace Prize he covets so much, and Iran swears on the Koran that this is our only condition for nuclear disarmament. President Trump doesn’t even need to win the race against Mr. Biden, he merely must participate.”
“So, President Trump, what do you say? You will earn a political achievement worthy of your fiery jealousy with your predecessor, and all it will take is a 30-ft jog down a platform slanted at a 45-degree angle. It will be easier work than scamming students with a fake university!”
“Iran will even consent to you being accompanied by a general you can hold on to if you need. And Iran will consent to you wearing tennis shoes so you don’t have to worry about any slippery leather-bottomed dress shoes! What say you, President Ramp Boy?”
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