Trump Says He Deserves The Nobel Prize For Medicine For Beating COVID

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump claimed today in the following tweets that he deserves another Nobel Prize, this time the award in the category of Medicine:

“The Democrats and Fake News Media won’t admit it, but I already found the cure to COVID! My DNA! I recovered so fast, COVID never stood a chance! I went to the hospital because the doctors insisted, but I obviously didn’t need to! The only one that needed any doctors was the coronavirus, because my DNA demolished it!”

“So I’ll accept my Noble Prize for Medicine any day now! They can just ship the Peace Prize I deserve with it, and save on shipping! If the Nobles weren’t rigged against me I’d also earn the Prize for Economics because of my amazing job with the economy (NEVER BEEN HIGHER!!!) and the tippy top stock market, but I’m not a flashy or braggy person so I don’t need all 3!”

“But everyone knows I deserve all 3! And my ratings as President deserve a bunch of Emmy’s. My press conference where I told everyone to inject Lysol was the most viral thing to come out of daytime television ever! Everyone was talking about it, and the ratings were through the roof! My COVID medical cures are must-watch TV! Way better than all the other failing medical dramas!”

“And I’m way more photogenic than Dr. Fauci! I’m a star, he’s a total dud! But he’s always trying to upstage me! I should never have let him have any camera time! It went to his head, and now he wants to hog the camera and tell everyone to worry about COVID when everything is totally under control! My DNA showed COVID who is the boss, and COVID won’t be bothering any Americans anymore!”

“So take that, China! Your Kung Flu couldn’t defeat me! I bet the Democrats are upset, too! They hoped I’d be in the hospital until the election, but I’m out and feeling 20 years younger! These steroids are way better than the Adderall, and I don’t even have to snort them! I feel young enough to date Ivanka for real!”

From The Halfway Post vault:

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