Donald Trump Tells Wavering Christian Voters He’s A Virgin

Philadelphia, PA—

President Donald Trump this afternoon made a closing argument for Christian voters at a rally in Philadelphia.

The following is an excerpt from his speech:

“I love Christian voters so much. They’re some of my favorite voters of all time. Can you believe some Christians are voting for Sleepy Joe? I’m losing some of my Christian voters to Sleepy Joe! Come back! Come back to Trump! You don’t want Biden, I guarantee it. Joe Biden isn’t a real Christian. He hates God. He wants to abort God! He hates Jesus! He’s trying to turn Jesus socialist! Do you think Jesus would support Joe Biden’s communist healthcare plan thought up by AOC and written in ink made out of baby blood by Nancy Pelosi? Hell no! Jesus likes my plan. My amazing ObamaCare replacement! And, just like Jesus, my plan is coming soon. Any day now. In two weeks! In two weeks my big, beautiful plan will be released. And you’re going to love it. Even Jesus will love it. Jesus won’t believe how great my healthcare plan will be. He’ll say even He couldn’t believe it covers so many people, and is so cheap. Jesus will say that He wishes He had thought about it back in the Bible. There will be no more sickness in America once my TrumpCare gets started! Jesus cured a few people in the Bible, but my plan will cure everyone. Of everything! Better than BibleCare! The Bible, what a good book, right? I love the Bible! And the Bible people better vote for me. You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but I’m a lot like Jesus. Jesus was a great guy, I’m a great guy. Jesus was virgin, I’m a virgin. Jesus wrote the Bible, the best book ever, and I wrote The Art of the Deal, the second best book ever. Some people say the best, but I’ll let Jesus have it. You have to let Jesus have it, right? But me and Jesus are practically the same. Just like Him, I’m very pure. People think I’m not, but I’m so pure. I’m so pure you wouldn’t believe it. Pure like Jesus. So vote me, not Biden! Christians, you better vote for Trump! Of you’ll never be allowed to say Jesus’s name in public ever again, because Joe and Kamala will make it illegal!”

From The Halfway Post vault:

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