President Donald Trump today took to Twitter to unveil a brand new conspiracy theory:
“There’s no way the guy running to the podium for Brain-Dead Joe’s acceptance speech was really Biden! People are talking about how the shadows were all wrong, so maybe it was photoshopped? Sleepy Joe can’t run, so it had to have at least been a stunt double! The real Biden was secretly rolled up to the podium in a wheelchair when no one was looking! Totally unlike me!”
“The Generals tell me I’m the most in-shape and fit president in their lifetimes! They say if I went to bootcamp today I’d pass easily, better than most soldiers! They told me Obama tried to take the fitness test but failed because he couldn’t do any pull-ups! They said that just looking at my slim figure I could probably break the Army’s pull-up record of 65 in one minute!”
“A lot of people are saying Biden should be drug-tested! There’s no way he gave that vibrant of a speech without snorting a few lines of Adderall ahead of time! I don’t know anything about Adderall, but I’ve heard from a friend it helps you stay focused! The speech was at 8pm, so he needed some kind of stimulant just to stay awake that long! He’s in bed every other day by 4pm!”
“This is why there’s no way Joe Biden got more votes than me! Everyone loves me! My approval rating is at 87% according to Genius Polls! The same Genius Poll found that Sleepy Joe’s approval rating was only 17%, and it was only that high because he’s so brain-dead that people felt sorry for him and gave him pity support!”
“So I hereby declare myself the winner! I’m signing an Executive Order today officially making myself President-for-Life! I’m also firing Mike Pence and making myself as Vice President as well so my stupid cabinet that’s rigged against me can’t use the 25th Amendment against me! Keep America Great!”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!