Donald Jr. Says He’s Actually Excited For Prison And Finally Becoming His Own Man

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

New York City, NY—

Since losing to Joe Biden by a substantial margin for an incumbent president, Donald Trump is in the lame duck twilight stage of his presidency where the only real decisions left are which of his criminal accomplices he should give presidential pardons.

According to White House insiders, though, Trump’s son Donald Jr. has requested he not get a pardon for his various crimes including, but not limited to, obstruction of justice, campaign finance fraud, tax fraud, charity fraud, and aiding and abetting enemies of the state.

“I’m excited for this new chapter of my life,” Don Jr. said referring to speculation that he is very exposed to federal prosecution as well as state prosecution in New York. “I actually told my dad I didn’t want him to pardon me, because, after so many years in the family business here in Trump Tower under my father’s shadow, I think I’m ready for something new.”

The President’s son is adamant that he’s up for the challenge of incarceration.

“My entire life has been easy, and I’ve never really had to work for anything. I’ve just been coasting off my grandfather’s wealth like my dad, and I have it even easier than him being third-generation rich. We’ve had a couple close calls of bankruptcy, but we’ve always been able to make some cash in tight spots with a foreign oligarch here or there desperate to launder some money into the US. But I’m a little tired of real estate, and so I’ve been thinking that maybe a prison sentence is actually just what I need to shake things up in my life. In prison I can be my own man, and really start to chart my own destiny all by myself for a change.”

Some political pundits have speculated that Donald Jr.’s soft, coddled lifestyle will not be conducive to him thriving in a prison environment, but Don Jr. disagrees.

“I’m not going to go to prison without a strategy,” he said. “I’ve been studying up on jailhouse sociology, and I think I’ve settled on a plan. I’m going to survey the inmate population and pick the strongest, biggest, baddest looking dude there, and then I’m going to use my trademark Trump deal-making skills to make him an offer he can’t refuse. I’ll tell him I’ll do anything he wants—anything—as long as he protects me from everyone else. In some ways it’s not too unlike my business relationship with my dad. I just hope my prison daddy calls me a b**** less than my real dad.”

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