Mike Pence Refuses To Meet With Kamala Harris Unless She Covers Her Ankles

Washington D.C.—

Vice President Mike Pence is reportedly coming to terms with the end of his term as VP, and is grudgingly accepting the reality that he’ll have to meet with VP-Elect Kamala Harris soon.

However, he has issued the following demands for a meeting on the transition of administrations to take place:

  1. Harris must not wear any clothing that reveals her ankles, knees, shoulders, clavicle, lower back, shoulder blades, or more than a half-inch of mammary gland cleavage.
  2. Harris must not make eye contact lasting at any time longer than three consecutive seconds.
  3. Handshakes only. No hugs. Harris’ mammary glands must not get within six inches of the Vice President’s chest.
  4. Harris must wear at least one bra, though preferably two, to make sure no devilish nipples distract the VP from his godly focus on America.
  5. If at any time Harris is about to get the female disease, she must promise not to get any blood on the VP.
  6. The following words are strictly prohibited from any conversation they have: vagina, uterus, labia, vulva, clitoris, cervix, g-spot, breasts, taint, or perineum. Only “pussy” is allowed, per the precedent of presidential acceptability wisely endorsed by God through President Trump’s immaculate electoral college victory over Hillary Clinton.
  7. Under no circumstances will Harris be allowed to familiarly refer to the VP on a first-name basis. She must refer to him only as “Vice President Pence.”
  8. Harris must not use any Ebonics words, or words from Hindi, Bengali, Marathi, Jamaican Creole, or any other languages Harris’ diverse family might speak at home. The VP only speaks standard English.
  9. No references to rap or jazz music, basketball, the Harlem Renaissance, kente cloth, soul food, or Beyoncé. References to any of these will create a hostile transition atmosphere and give Pence permission to walk out and end the meeting immediately.
  10. No mention of Christianity will be allowed to come out of Harris’ hedonistic, sinner California mouth. The right to reference Christianity in any form of political context is exclusively granted to the VP.
  11. Harris under no conditions will be permitted to utilize her jezebel power to turn the VP into stone, and if her hair spontaneously transforms into snakes, she must not allow any of them to bite the VP.

More from The Halfway Post vault:

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s