Trump Blamed Election Loss On Mike Pence’s Family Not Being As Sexy As His

Washington D.C.—

According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump is blaming Vice President Mike Pence for his election loss.

“I knew I should have picked someone with a sexier family for my second term, we only barely won the first time!” Trump has repeatedly said, according to three sources who each confirmed hearing the quote several times over the last two weeks. “Me and Ivanka can’t do all the heavy-lifting by ourselves to keep America turned on!”

“Trump is always worried about sex appeal,” explained one of the sources, an office aide for Mr. Pence. “He feels strongly that he’s the sexiest president in American history, and that Pence needs to amp his ‘it-factor’ to keep up. Every Christmas Trump buys Pence a gift card for a D.C. plastic surgery clinic, but Pence never uses them. Trump gives two gift cards to Second Lady Karen Pence every Christmas, and has repeatedly told her to ask Melania for some advice on choosing how to spend it. Needless to say, Mrs. Pence thinks Trump is an utterly disgusting pig.”

These accounts corroborate sentiments described in an upcoming memoir by former White House aide Steve Shartzer, who writes that President Donald Trump rated Vice President Mike Pence’s family according to their physical appearances before asking Pence to join his campaign back in the summer of 2016.

“The President told Pence that his first pick for VP was Ivanka, but, after being informed it would be a controversial choice, was happy to choose Mike in order to shore up support from the Evangelical community,” Shartzer writes in his memoir entitled The 2016 Electoral College Technicality.

“Trump, always a jokester, told Pence his wife was a 4 if he was rating her on a 10-point scale, which he said he originally held against Pence in the VP selection process because he said he didn’t want any ‘fuglies’ hanging around D.C. But then he found out Pence had two daughters, and requested photos of them. The President joked that the daughters had great legs, and that, if he wasn’t running for President, he’d probably date both of them. Pence, still ecstatic over being chosen for the VP role, laughed, and acknowledged Trump’s great sense of humor. Then Trump kept riffing. He told Mike that Karen Pence needed a facelift, some breast implants, a new nose, and a fake tan, and that, at that point, she might get up to a 7.5 or possibly an 8. Pence was laughing right along, acknowledging Trump’s unparalleled wit. Trump then asked Pence if a hooker had ever compared his penis to any variety of vegetable after sexual intercourse, and offered specifically a mushroom as an example. Pence explained that no, such an incident had never occurred, and Trump explained that he hadn’t asked for any specific reason, and was only curious. Trump said he had a friend Mike didn’t know and would never have heard of who often pays porn stars for sex, and that his unnamed friend had the reproductive organ that porn stars had suggested looked just like a fleshy, spore-bearing fruiting body of a fungus. Trump then repeated that it totally wasn’t himself he was talking about. Then he pulled out a nondisclosure agreement for Pence to sign threatening legal action if Pence ever mentioned Trump’s name in the same sentence in which he used the word ‘mushroom.’ Trump then told Pence that the only thing he had ever paid a porn star for was to meet in his room privately and read the Bible together so he could try and inspire her to give up sinning, and commit her soul to Jesus Christ. Finally, Trump asked Pence if he happened to know his daughters’ Instagram account names, and if they had posted any beach photos recently.”

The memoir will be released for purchase at major book stores next Thursday.

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